And in the end....

Well, if this weekend wasn't big enough, what with it being three days long and everything, we have some exciting news regarding the future of Somewhere From The North. Plus, you know, Bolton visit the Spuds which means I can vent my spleen about the team I love to dislike with a passion so vehement that it had Lucifer turning his head one day and saying "Ehhh...that's a bit harsh"

Well, OK, maybe I don't hate the manager. Honest Harry has always been a throwback to the suede coated managers of yore, wheeling and dealing like a demented Arthur Daley. Can't stand his son though. Can't stand his daughter in law either. Some of their players are OK I suppose, although a few of them appear falling out of nightclubs in London papers a bit too often and of course that gormless buffoon Crouch is batting above his average. And the ground is OK, if a little hard to get home from, unless you like queuing for trains or a six mile hike down the Seven Sisters Road and they have more bars in the away end than any ground I've been to and people who serve you who don't look like they are stopping off on the way to a meeting of the incest society. No, it's the fans. The "we belong to be higher than we are because we are a big club" fans. (Granted they are there this season). The "we should be beating these" fans (Bolton are currently beating Spurs 8-5 in Premier League results since we came back up, with four draws). The second biggest team in North London, the third biggest team in London (comparitive to us in Manchester and look what we have to put up with). In fact, if you look at it in those terms, Bolton are the same size club as Spurs, just surviving with a smaller fan base. And a rubbish chairman. But we all know that Honest Harry will leave them, even Neil Warnock has got more stickability with a club. Then they'll flounder in mid table as per usual and cry a lot. I really, really, seriously, honestly, paradoxically and seismologilicly hope we beat them on Saturday, but as I can't see it happening I'll go for a draw.

As for the team that St Owen will put out, I would expect the same team that tore Portsmouth a new one in the first half last weekend to start the game as they will have something to prove/be sorry for after the second half debacle. It should be impossible for the team to play that badly again. Did I just say that?

To the news, and of course the Gary "Gaz" Cahill transfer saga continues like a chafing sore on the inside leg of a fat man who has just walked ten miles. However a new wrinkle is St Owen saying that he wouldn't stand in his way if a big club (not Spurs) came in for him. This is as expected. Only the big clubs (not Spurs) can afford what we'd be asking. St Owen goes on to mention the chances of Gaz getting to the World Cup. Nice of the manager to try and push the price up but Gaz hasn't been mentioned in any squads since the blood clot and he must have a good seven players ahead of him in the list. Christ, even Sol Campbell's been mentioned. I think we can all safely assume that, unless the plane to South Africa crashes into Table Mountain, Gary isn't going.

And that is it for the news on Bolton and that is it for this blog. From tomorrow I'm the new editor of Vital Bolton so SFTN has to bite the dust. It will be left, swimming in the darkness of the internet and sometime, someday, someone will come across it and think, wow, this Gary Megson sounds like he couldn't manage to pick his nose. And do you know, they may be right.,

Until then, the doors of X Towers are closed.

You want to do what....?

You know the score, just as your getting settled, thinking that you're going to have to say something else nasty about Burnley and their scabby fans, along pops Jack Wilshere and his fantasy of being Cheryl Cole. Not shagging Cheryl Cole, which, I've heard, is every young mans dream, but being Cheryl Cole. On the Arsenal website, various members of their squad were asked several questions, the kind of which I haven't seen since Keren Woodward told Smash Hits that her favourite pudding was banana and custard in 1985 and I spent many sleeping hours wondering what Keren Woodward would look like in banana and custard.(*) Life was much more innocent back in 1985. Anyway, Jack's answer to the question was

I would probably be Cheryl Cole. Just to see what attention she gets and that.

Plenty, I would say, but not from her husband, the quite possibly most stupid man in the world. And what do you mean this is just an excuse to get a picture of Cheryl Cole in?

Of course, this again puts Bolton's website to shame where the same kind of question would be "How do you get to the ground. M61 or A666?"

Somewhat surprisingly, SuperKev has won the BWSA Player of the Year award. I'm not begrudging him the award, far from it, as he remains the most committed player Bolton have got, it's just that that commitment hasn't brought the rewards this year. Chung-Yong and Samantha came second and third. It appears the award took SuperKev by surprise as he told the former BEN. Not as big a surprise as seeing Little Jack walking through Lostock dressed as Cheryl though.

Talking of people doing things you wouldn't expect, Paddy McGuinness will be at Stretford on Saturday to play on the same turf as such legends as Mick Hucknall and the Wigan Rugby League Team in a charity match. Asked if a trip to Gorse Hill is a big day out for a Bolton fan (normal answer being "I came to see the Trafford Park Ecology Park but it was shut so I came here") Bolton's fourth famous fan (after Dave Spikey, Vernon Kay and Nicholas Gleaves) replied "Yes, you have to appreciate the way they play". Never knew he was a cricket fan. Almost immediately ITV recommissioned Take Me Out. That'll teach him.

The former BEN also report that St Owen has distanced himself from the previous reports that he is moving half the first team, and Nicky Hunt, on. This in the same article that suggests that he is looking to bring some World Cup stars in before the World Cup starts, meaning he's got a DeLorean or a Tardis or something and has already seen who will star and also meaning that he is looking to move half of the first team, and Nicky Hunt, on. Some bloke called Messi may be looking for a new club after last night. Maybe not.

An interesting article in the Guardian suggests that next season will not be as easy for us as this season has been. (Sorry, this season has been easy?). It may be a bit early to be looking forward to next season but it is true that Newcastle and West Brom may not be as lightweight as what is leaving us, although the Baggies have never really taken to the Premiership and a season in which Fat Kev has made it into the Championship team of the season should tell you all you need to know about how good that division is. Newcastle are coming back up with pretty much the team that went down so I wouldn't be expecting them to pull up any trees. And unless the porn kings of East London pull out (phnarr phnarr) of West Ham, no team should be going to the wall. However, I dare say that the three relegated teams next season won't be waving bye bye quite so early. Hopefully we'll be returning their wave from somewhere near seventh.........

Finally, I'd like to bid farewell to Richard over at Vital Bolton. I've been reading his thoughts for a couple of years now and, while I may not agree on his view of the Arse and their fans, his considered opinions on the way the club was going has pretty much gone hand in hand with mine. I'd like to wish him good luck with the book or whatever it is that he is leaving to do. There aren't enough BWFC websites as it is without losing an erudite supporter.

And on that downbeat note, I'll bid you farewell for today. Tomorrow will bring a preview of the Spurs game, guaranteed to set my teeth on edge.

Until then, what is your major malfunction Private Pyle?

(*) Keren Woodward was a member of hot girl group Bananarama, not to be confused with Barbapapa, Babar or Bananaman. She is now married to the member of Wham! who is not gay.

A desert...

Morning all. To say there is nothing to report out there this morning would be like saying that the misfiring Swede is pretty pants at putting the ball in the onion bag. It would be pointless. I bet somewhere, Churchill Kilby is fixing another voodoo doll of St Owen, having stuck enough pins in the last thirty two, but that is so obvious it doesn't even make the press anymore. He has also been on Wikipedia changing the managers entry, the sad little worm. But besides that, the only news coming out today is from the former BEN, which is always a good enough target.

So let's start with this weeks Kelly's One-Eye. First of all, thanks Tony for being the only one who predicted that we would be safe this year. Phewww, it's a relief that you were our Johnny on the spot while all the other papers suggested that we would go down, despite not having been in the bottom three since mid February, and there was that panic amongst the fans who knew that The Sourz and Hull were a lot better than we were. Tony also goes onto say that you have to give credit to Gartslime and Alan Duckworth for bringing him in. Now listen, One-Eye, while they got they're man, I give no credit to men who made us put up with the previous regime for the two years that passed before. As far as I'm concerned, they're still in debit with the way that they gave the former manager more money than Big Sam could dream of, replacing said Big Sam with Little Sam and then compounding that mistake with you know who. This is like when my bank balance goes into the black the day I get paid before all the bills pour out appproximately 5.0 seconds later. They have a long way to go before they get my credit. It is my fervent hope that when the cull of unneccessary players is done, they have thrown Tony Kelly out with them or at least decided to chop his writing hand off.

Elsewhere, Our Yank may make a return for the final two games and there is some banter in the dressing room about who will be top scorer. Would Holden's return be a good thing? Well, yes and no. Yes, because he is coming to the end of his short term contract and the manager will be wanting to look at him before the end and if Little Jack doesn't return next year we need to know if he can play with Samantha. No, because if we are to finish as high up as possible a half fit passenger doesn't fit the bill. Our Yank wants game time before the World Cup, and fair enough, but I envisage him coming off the bench for Little Jack as and when. Whether that will get him to South Africa remains to be seen.

As for the banter in the dressing room, SuperKev, Matty and Gary "Gaz" Cahill are all going for the leading scorer crown. SuperKev tells the former BEN

There has been a bit of banter, which is good fun, but it’s all about getting points in our last couple of games and finishing on a high.

Well, while banter is all a bit of fun, let's hope that they realise the seriousness of this situation. Our leading striker is running neck and neck in the scoring stakes with a central defender who nearly died and a midfielder who has been nursing glandular fever for six months (allegedly). This shouldn't be the case. Spread the goals, like the love, by all means, but at the end of the day the leading scorer should be a striker. Which takes us back to Steven Fletcher and Churchill Kilby, and that's where we came in.

There, told you there was cock all, didn't I?

Until tomorrow, it's been a pleasure.

Exodus

Big love going out to all of you today in Northland as the stinking carcass of The Clarets starts to pollute the air and the vultures of the Premier League start picking off the best bits, if by the best bits you mean the bits that you wouldn't even feed to a Burnley fan if he turned up at your door emaciated from a twelve week trek across the sahara and with about five minutes to live. Because that would be fun.

It should come as a surprise to absolutely no one that Bolton would be linked to any player that is deemed good enough to remain in the Premier League at Tuff Door and Steven Fletcher is the first one to be mentioned because a) he's their best player and b) he's a striker and God knows we need someone, anyone, who can put the ball in the net on a semi regular basis who isn't a central defender. St Owen seemed to know a good player when he saw one and his record this season in a team that has been relegated is as good as anyone we've got and he may get more goals from playing with better players. Whether or not Churchill the Dog lookalike Kilby will even look at a Bolton bid is another thing entirely, and he has already told Burnley's website that St Owen can go and stick his head somewhere smelling of poo as they can afford to keep hold of their players. Message to Mr Kilby. If you haven't yet learnt this season that football doesn't work like that these days you have no business running a football club. In fact, you have no business running a football club. Oh no no no no no.

There are also reports that Bolton are after Joseph Yobo who is surplus to requirements at Everton. This is falling into the trap of the the former regime who thought that buying a job lot of defenders would be the answer to their prayers and we all know how that one turned out. I will now sing this from the highest rooftop. WE HAVE ENOUGH DEFENDERS. WE DO NOT NEED ANYMORE, ESPECIALLY A CROCKED ONE.

The Times reports a tenative enquiry on Jimmy Bullard as the fire sale starts at Hull. Oh, if only this had been three years ago when he was worth something. The only thing that Bullard is noted for now is taking a lot of money from his employers whilst lying on the treatment table. He made thirty nine league appearances for Fulham who probably couldn't believe their luck when Hull came in for him, where he immediately got injured again before managing another fifteen league games for them. That's fifty four league games, for our innumerate friends, in four years. Plus he's thirty one. We already have one worthless thirty one year old midfielder..

And speaking of the Badger, it appears he is joining the list of those out of the door, as long as he doesn't show the manager his stuff on a one month trial. Seeing as how he has hardly shown his stuff since joining, this will be a tall order for our favourite nocturnal chum. Given that St Owen signed Stefan on a full deal before his loan ran out, it brings to mind the old adage, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice take me behind the Lofthouse Lower and shoot me.

The Mirror report that instead of the seven already mentioned, it is now ten players that are for the heave ho come season's end. The misfiring Swede has joined the list, which is no great surprise as I've seen the non darts players on Bullseye get closer to the target than him on occasion. Riga is obviously the ninth, as exclusively revealed here last week. But who is the mystery tenth man? Seeing as we have a penchant for keeping rubbish players, like our current left back, my money's on Al-Habsi who's about as close to a regular place in the team as Nicky Hunt's dad, which is a shame but he must be getting fed up with getting splinters in his backside every weekend while Jussi shows every sign of getting younger. That's Al by the way, not Mr Hunt. And here's the thing, get rid of these ten, be able to afford to keep the golden boy. Simple. Or not.

It is getting closer to the end of the season and our in depth, completely unbiased, look at the season is nearly here. Who performed well, who didn't (one list is longer than the other), who should be kept, who shouldn't (again, one list longer than the other) and the good and bad differences between the managers (you've got the idea by now). I'd like to say there is no swearing but I'm not going to start lying to you now.

Until tomorrow, I'd like some beans.

Cheerio...

Well, at least we can start with some good news. Burnley, the team with the sourest of sour grapes, are not much longer for the Premier League. A drubbing at home to Liverpool showing that they just weren't good enough and that their manager made the correct decision to leave and become our manager. Good bye, good riddance, don't come back soon. As for my letter for Mr Collymore, it's currently being sent back by the Talk Sport email guard as "ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Muppet!!!" is considered to be just a touch too nasty for his poor little eyes.

However, on to yesterday's game. The problem seems to be pretty simple, so simple it will only take a few bullet points.

1. This was a team that are obviously already on the beach. To lose a two goal lead to the worst team in the league is nigh on treasonable. To go with the performance last week, there is definitely some work to be done by the manager over the summer, including....

2. The need for a striker who can, well, strike. The stats don't lie. Fourteen shots, ten on target, eight of them direct at David James. The answer to our scoring problem is not to take Kidneys off and put the misfiring Swede on. It's finding someone who can put the ball either side of the keeper.

3. Let's hope that, if and when Bolton tell all his suitors where to go, someone can actually introduce Gary "Gaz" Cahill to Zat Knight. Great apart, abysmal together.

4. While he is pre season training with The Arse, Mr Wenger can advise Little Jack that he isn't that good enough yet to take on a whole team. Yes he set up a goal, yes he was close to setting up another at the end, he just has to know when to hold or give at the right time, to paraphrase New Order. His dallying on the ball led directly to Portsmouth scoring.

The season is in danger of ending with a whimper, not a bang. Spurs next week could turn into one of the worst days of my life, if Mrs X lets me go, and then the Brum game might as well be played on a park. The manager should make it clear to the players that how they perform over the next two games could determine whether they will be at T'Reebok next season. Never mind the list from earlier in the week, at the moment you could probably count on one hand the players that, on yesterday's showing, deserve to be wearing the white next year.

Plus I had a fiver on 2-0, the mugs.

Until tomorrow, does anyone know a Burnley fan who needs directions to Scunthorpe?

Goodbye, Goodbye, Your Leaving Us Goodbye....

Morning all and another beautiful day rises in the wonderful world of Bolton Wanderers.

You can normally be assured that when it comes to mid week that you can hear the sound of crickets when looking for news on the club but, this being the end of the season, transfer news has started to rear its head as the papers gear themselves up for having nothing to do except report on Shrek's achilles for the next two months.

First in the spotlight is Little Dracula who has decided, it seems, that his future lies beyond the confines of Winter Hill and that he will not be returning up the M61 come next season. This is undboubtedly to do with the fact that we already have a right winger and he is, currently, a lot better than Weiss. However, with the olive branch that St Owen gave to him over the weekend, you can't help thinking that him coming out the day after and saying no thank you resembles the following conversation.

"I love you darling, please accept my heart". "Up yours slag, I'm going to piss in your face"

If I were St Owen I'd stick him on the bench for the next three games, make him warm up for the ten minutes before the end of the game and time it just right that he is about to come on when the final whistle is blown. I dare say that someone will take him on loan next year as the chances of him getting a game for Citeh are about as slim as an an anorexic with a bulimia problem. I just hope that it isn't us, the ungrateful little blood sucker.

Also on the way out, according to the Star are Jlloyd, AOB, The Badger, The Shit, Nicky Hunt and Ou Est? Whilst some have got lost in the bowels of T'Reebok trying to find Nicky Hunt's career, all these names should not really come as a great shock. AOB, The Badger and The Shit were the former two regimes purchases and while AOB played well his age has caught up with him whilst the other two never really struck anyone as football players. Jlloyd must have known his days were numbered when Stefan kept his place despite being, well, Stefan, whilst Ou Est is at the end of a contract that saw him play approximately never. To this list we Mustadda Riga. Geddit?
However, we at T'Towers are concerned with the final name on the list. There is a time that all great servants of clubs have to go, but Ricky Gardner surely has some years left in him yet and even if he doesn't, which we disagree with, a fine servant for twelve years should be treated with at least a testimonial before being put out to pasture, or as it's known in our house, Tranmere. Remember the Campo debacle, and he was only with us for a short time, comparitively. Anyway, the Save Ricky campaign starts here. I'm ordering T-shirts.

Also on the way out, temporarily this time, is Danny Ward who has spent most of the season on loan at Swindon and now may be moving up a division, depending on whether they can stay in the Championship, at Crystal Palace. This may have some truth in it as there would be no reason for a national to make up a story about such a small name. Oh no, hang on, it was in The People. Oh, and in the space of two days, Gary "Gaz" Cahill's price has gone up £3million. It's started to look enticing.

Now, pay attention. As our families have not yet seen the photos, another road trip beckons this weekend, unfortunately not one as glamorous as crossing the USA thinking your James Dean for a day, although Liverpool can look OK in a good light if you squint. So we will return on Sunday, by which time we expect Gaz to be dipped in gold and be worth approximately the national debt of Ecuador. In the meantime, our prediction for Saturday is 3-0 and safety.

Until then, take care of your hub caps.

Rubbish medicine takes six months to diagnose excuse.

Afternoon all and welcome to this weeks medical update. Yes, the team that brought you Gary "Gaz" Cahill's blood clot have today come out with the news that the reason Matty Taylor has started playing so "well", in relative terms, was that he had been suffering from glandular fever for the past six months which had gone undiagnosed. If this is the case then some people, and not just the person writing this, would maybe have to eat some humble pie, but we're not putting the oven on just yet. We have said that he played well at Chelsea, and we also remarked but yesterday that scoring two goals, whilst welcome, does not a man of the match performance make. Strikers can have a bad game and then score two goals and THAT doesn't make them man of the match, it is about the whole game. The whole team performance was abject in the first half on Saturday and the former BEN, in it's review of the game, marks the introduction of young Dracula as the turning point, his winning of the free kick and his cross for Matty making the real difference, as we said yesterday. We wish Matty well, and hope that now he has been diagnosed he can put in three match winning performances for the rest of the season. Then we will fire up the AGA.

A last word on the game, and Stoke's former Stretford player Daniel Higginbum has complained that the referee was swayed by the Bolton players shouting for the free kick from which Matty scored from. Let me just say this again. The player left his leg there asking to be fallen over. If he didn't want a free kick to be given he shouldn't have done that. Former whinging Stretford players prove you can take the boy out of Old Trafford etc.

In other news, the manager has acknowledged that he wants to keep both Little Jack and Dracula for another season. This is pretty much a no brainer on the part of Jack, who has been impressive enough for a player of his age, but the fear here at the Towers is that Mr Vinegar will have seen the performances he has put in and want to keep him at The Emirates next season, the physicality that he has built up in the past months something that The Arse may be needing next season. Some Arsenal fans are of the opinion that he was what they needed THIS season. When it comes to Dracula it is something else. His performances have been mostly sub par and his dummy spitting last month didn't do him any favours. However, with Lee Chung-Yong looking like he is suffering from burn out and needing a rest, especially as he is playing in the World Cup which means that having had played in the Korean league last year, by the time South Korea depart the tournament he would have played constantly for more than a year, Little Drac may well be given a chance to stake a claim, keep Citeh happy and allow us to further his education next year if he impresses.

Elsewhere, a Spuds fan has been banned for their final home game against us after he shouted abuse at the dad of the year on his sending off on Saturday. Good to see the Spuds taking action over one fan having a go at the dad of the year when really they should be banning the lot of them for their homophobic chants and death threats towards Sol Campbell. God, I hate Spurs. God, I hope we stick one right up them in two weeks. God, I even hope Citeh beat them.

Now, a quick word about this, the new home kit for the 2010-2011 season. The first impression was that it was a vast improvement over both this seasons, the bar code, and the season before, the apron. And there is more to like than just that. After the past few kits, this goes back to simplicity, a bit of blue and red here and there, the crest in the middle. Naturally, the only downside is that crappy big orange blob stuck in the middle, overwhelming the crest and the maker's name, giving it an impression of being too busy, but I'm sure you can buy it without the sponsors name. All in all very nice. Maybe one day we will be able to go back to just a white top? Anyway, after a season of not wanting to wear the club's top, granted partly because of the regime at the beginning of the season, this may well be winging its way to X Towers in the post.

Anyway, a night shift awaits. Marvin, he was a friend of mine.