And in the end....

Well, if this weekend wasn't big enough, what with it being three days long and everything, we have some exciting news regarding the future of Somewhere From The North. Plus, you know, Bolton visit the Spuds which means I can vent my spleen about the team I love to dislike with a passion so vehement that it had Lucifer turning his head one day and saying "Ehhh...that's a bit harsh"

Well, OK, maybe I don't hate the manager. Honest Harry has always been a throwback to the suede coated managers of yore, wheeling and dealing like a demented Arthur Daley. Can't stand his son though. Can't stand his daughter in law either. Some of their players are OK I suppose, although a few of them appear falling out of nightclubs in London papers a bit too often and of course that gormless buffoon Crouch is batting above his average. And the ground is OK, if a little hard to get home from, unless you like queuing for trains or a six mile hike down the Seven Sisters Road and they have more bars in the away end than any ground I've been to and people who serve you who don't look like they are stopping off on the way to a meeting of the incest society. No, it's the fans. The "we belong to be higher than we are because we are a big club" fans. (Granted they are there this season). The "we should be beating these" fans (Bolton are currently beating Spurs 8-5 in Premier League results since we came back up, with four draws). The second biggest team in North London, the third biggest team in London (comparitive to us in Manchester and look what we have to put up with). In fact, if you look at it in those terms, Bolton are the same size club as Spurs, just surviving with a smaller fan base. And a rubbish chairman. But we all know that Honest Harry will leave them, even Neil Warnock has got more stickability with a club. Then they'll flounder in mid table as per usual and cry a lot. I really, really, seriously, honestly, paradoxically and seismologilicly hope we beat them on Saturday, but as I can't see it happening I'll go for a draw.

As for the team that St Owen will put out, I would expect the same team that tore Portsmouth a new one in the first half last weekend to start the game as they will have something to prove/be sorry for after the second half debacle. It should be impossible for the team to play that badly again. Did I just say that?

To the news, and of course the Gary "Gaz" Cahill transfer saga continues like a chafing sore on the inside leg of a fat man who has just walked ten miles. However a new wrinkle is St Owen saying that he wouldn't stand in his way if a big club (not Spurs) came in for him. This is as expected. Only the big clubs (not Spurs) can afford what we'd be asking. St Owen goes on to mention the chances of Gaz getting to the World Cup. Nice of the manager to try and push the price up but Gaz hasn't been mentioned in any squads since the blood clot and he must have a good seven players ahead of him in the list. Christ, even Sol Campbell's been mentioned. I think we can all safely assume that, unless the plane to South Africa crashes into Table Mountain, Gary isn't going.

And that is it for the news on Bolton and that is it for this blog. From tomorrow I'm the new editor of Vital Bolton so SFTN has to bite the dust. It will be left, swimming in the darkness of the internet and sometime, someday, someone will come across it and think, wow, this Gary Megson sounds like he couldn't manage to pick his nose. And do you know, they may be right.,

Until then, the doors of X Towers are closed.

You want to do what....?

You know the score, just as your getting settled, thinking that you're going to have to say something else nasty about Burnley and their scabby fans, along pops Jack Wilshere and his fantasy of being Cheryl Cole. Not shagging Cheryl Cole, which, I've heard, is every young mans dream, but being Cheryl Cole. On the Arsenal website, various members of their squad were asked several questions, the kind of which I haven't seen since Keren Woodward told Smash Hits that her favourite pudding was banana and custard in 1985 and I spent many sleeping hours wondering what Keren Woodward would look like in banana and custard.(*) Life was much more innocent back in 1985. Anyway, Jack's answer to the question was

I would probably be Cheryl Cole. Just to see what attention she gets and that.

Plenty, I would say, but not from her husband, the quite possibly most stupid man in the world. And what do you mean this is just an excuse to get a picture of Cheryl Cole in?

Of course, this again puts Bolton's website to shame where the same kind of question would be "How do you get to the ground. M61 or A666?"

Somewhat surprisingly, SuperKev has won the BWSA Player of the Year award. I'm not begrudging him the award, far from it, as he remains the most committed player Bolton have got, it's just that that commitment hasn't brought the rewards this year. Chung-Yong and Samantha came second and third. It appears the award took SuperKev by surprise as he told the former BEN. Not as big a surprise as seeing Little Jack walking through Lostock dressed as Cheryl though.

Talking of people doing things you wouldn't expect, Paddy McGuinness will be at Stretford on Saturday to play on the same turf as such legends as Mick Hucknall and the Wigan Rugby League Team in a charity match. Asked if a trip to Gorse Hill is a big day out for a Bolton fan (normal answer being "I came to see the Trafford Park Ecology Park but it was shut so I came here") Bolton's fourth famous fan (after Dave Spikey, Vernon Kay and Nicholas Gleaves) replied "Yes, you have to appreciate the way they play". Never knew he was a cricket fan. Almost immediately ITV recommissioned Take Me Out. That'll teach him.

The former BEN also report that St Owen has distanced himself from the previous reports that he is moving half the first team, and Nicky Hunt, on. This in the same article that suggests that he is looking to bring some World Cup stars in before the World Cup starts, meaning he's got a DeLorean or a Tardis or something and has already seen who will star and also meaning that he is looking to move half of the first team, and Nicky Hunt, on. Some bloke called Messi may be looking for a new club after last night. Maybe not.

An interesting article in the Guardian suggests that next season will not be as easy for us as this season has been. (Sorry, this season has been easy?). It may be a bit early to be looking forward to next season but it is true that Newcastle and West Brom may not be as lightweight as what is leaving us, although the Baggies have never really taken to the Premiership and a season in which Fat Kev has made it into the Championship team of the season should tell you all you need to know about how good that division is. Newcastle are coming back up with pretty much the team that went down so I wouldn't be expecting them to pull up any trees. And unless the porn kings of East London pull out (phnarr phnarr) of West Ham, no team should be going to the wall. However, I dare say that the three relegated teams next season won't be waving bye bye quite so early. Hopefully we'll be returning their wave from somewhere near seventh.........

Finally, I'd like to bid farewell to Richard over at Vital Bolton. I've been reading his thoughts for a couple of years now and, while I may not agree on his view of the Arse and their fans, his considered opinions on the way the club was going has pretty much gone hand in hand with mine. I'd like to wish him good luck with the book or whatever it is that he is leaving to do. There aren't enough BWFC websites as it is without losing an erudite supporter.

And on that downbeat note, I'll bid you farewell for today. Tomorrow will bring a preview of the Spurs game, guaranteed to set my teeth on edge.

Until then, what is your major malfunction Private Pyle?

(*) Keren Woodward was a member of hot girl group Bananarama, not to be confused with Barbapapa, Babar or Bananaman. She is now married to the member of Wham! who is not gay.

A desert...

Morning all. To say there is nothing to report out there this morning would be like saying that the misfiring Swede is pretty pants at putting the ball in the onion bag. It would be pointless. I bet somewhere, Churchill Kilby is fixing another voodoo doll of St Owen, having stuck enough pins in the last thirty two, but that is so obvious it doesn't even make the press anymore. He has also been on Wikipedia changing the managers entry, the sad little worm. But besides that, the only news coming out today is from the former BEN, which is always a good enough target.

So let's start with this weeks Kelly's One-Eye. First of all, thanks Tony for being the only one who predicted that we would be safe this year. Phewww, it's a relief that you were our Johnny on the spot while all the other papers suggested that we would go down, despite not having been in the bottom three since mid February, and there was that panic amongst the fans who knew that The Sourz and Hull were a lot better than we were. Tony also goes onto say that you have to give credit to Gartslime and Alan Duckworth for bringing him in. Now listen, One-Eye, while they got they're man, I give no credit to men who made us put up with the previous regime for the two years that passed before. As far as I'm concerned, they're still in debit with the way that they gave the former manager more money than Big Sam could dream of, replacing said Big Sam with Little Sam and then compounding that mistake with you know who. This is like when my bank balance goes into the black the day I get paid before all the bills pour out appproximately 5.0 seconds later. They have a long way to go before they get my credit. It is my fervent hope that when the cull of unneccessary players is done, they have thrown Tony Kelly out with them or at least decided to chop his writing hand off.

Elsewhere, Our Yank may make a return for the final two games and there is some banter in the dressing room about who will be top scorer. Would Holden's return be a good thing? Well, yes and no. Yes, because he is coming to the end of his short term contract and the manager will be wanting to look at him before the end and if Little Jack doesn't return next year we need to know if he can play with Samantha. No, because if we are to finish as high up as possible a half fit passenger doesn't fit the bill. Our Yank wants game time before the World Cup, and fair enough, but I envisage him coming off the bench for Little Jack as and when. Whether that will get him to South Africa remains to be seen.

As for the banter in the dressing room, SuperKev, Matty and Gary "Gaz" Cahill are all going for the leading scorer crown. SuperKev tells the former BEN

There has been a bit of banter, which is good fun, but it’s all about getting points in our last couple of games and finishing on a high.

Well, while banter is all a bit of fun, let's hope that they realise the seriousness of this situation. Our leading striker is running neck and neck in the scoring stakes with a central defender who nearly died and a midfielder who has been nursing glandular fever for six months (allegedly). This shouldn't be the case. Spread the goals, like the love, by all means, but at the end of the day the leading scorer should be a striker. Which takes us back to Steven Fletcher and Churchill Kilby, and that's where we came in.

There, told you there was cock all, didn't I?

Until tomorrow, it's been a pleasure.

Exodus

Big love going out to all of you today in Northland as the stinking carcass of The Clarets starts to pollute the air and the vultures of the Premier League start picking off the best bits, if by the best bits you mean the bits that you wouldn't even feed to a Burnley fan if he turned up at your door emaciated from a twelve week trek across the sahara and with about five minutes to live. Because that would be fun.

It should come as a surprise to absolutely no one that Bolton would be linked to any player that is deemed good enough to remain in the Premier League at Tuff Door and Steven Fletcher is the first one to be mentioned because a) he's their best player and b) he's a striker and God knows we need someone, anyone, who can put the ball in the net on a semi regular basis who isn't a central defender. St Owen seemed to know a good player when he saw one and his record this season in a team that has been relegated is as good as anyone we've got and he may get more goals from playing with better players. Whether or not Churchill the Dog lookalike Kilby will even look at a Bolton bid is another thing entirely, and he has already told Burnley's website that St Owen can go and stick his head somewhere smelling of poo as they can afford to keep hold of their players. Message to Mr Kilby. If you haven't yet learnt this season that football doesn't work like that these days you have no business running a football club. In fact, you have no business running a football club. Oh no no no no no.

There are also reports that Bolton are after Joseph Yobo who is surplus to requirements at Everton. This is falling into the trap of the the former regime who thought that buying a job lot of defenders would be the answer to their prayers and we all know how that one turned out. I will now sing this from the highest rooftop. WE HAVE ENOUGH DEFENDERS. WE DO NOT NEED ANYMORE, ESPECIALLY A CROCKED ONE.

The Times reports a tenative enquiry on Jimmy Bullard as the fire sale starts at Hull. Oh, if only this had been three years ago when he was worth something. The only thing that Bullard is noted for now is taking a lot of money from his employers whilst lying on the treatment table. He made thirty nine league appearances for Fulham who probably couldn't believe their luck when Hull came in for him, where he immediately got injured again before managing another fifteen league games for them. That's fifty four league games, for our innumerate friends, in four years. Plus he's thirty one. We already have one worthless thirty one year old midfielder..

And speaking of the Badger, it appears he is joining the list of those out of the door, as long as he doesn't show the manager his stuff on a one month trial. Seeing as how he has hardly shown his stuff since joining, this will be a tall order for our favourite nocturnal chum. Given that St Owen signed Stefan on a full deal before his loan ran out, it brings to mind the old adage, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice take me behind the Lofthouse Lower and shoot me.

The Mirror report that instead of the seven already mentioned, it is now ten players that are for the heave ho come season's end. The misfiring Swede has joined the list, which is no great surprise as I've seen the non darts players on Bullseye get closer to the target than him on occasion. Riga is obviously the ninth, as exclusively revealed here last week. But who is the mystery tenth man? Seeing as we have a penchant for keeping rubbish players, like our current left back, my money's on Al-Habsi who's about as close to a regular place in the team as Nicky Hunt's dad, which is a shame but he must be getting fed up with getting splinters in his backside every weekend while Jussi shows every sign of getting younger. That's Al by the way, not Mr Hunt. And here's the thing, get rid of these ten, be able to afford to keep the golden boy. Simple. Or not.

It is getting closer to the end of the season and our in depth, completely unbiased, look at the season is nearly here. Who performed well, who didn't (one list is longer than the other), who should be kept, who shouldn't (again, one list longer than the other) and the good and bad differences between the managers (you've got the idea by now). I'd like to say there is no swearing but I'm not going to start lying to you now.

Until tomorrow, I'd like some beans.

Cheerio...

Well, at least we can start with some good news. Burnley, the team with the sourest of sour grapes, are not much longer for the Premier League. A drubbing at home to Liverpool showing that they just weren't good enough and that their manager made the correct decision to leave and become our manager. Good bye, good riddance, don't come back soon. As for my letter for Mr Collymore, it's currently being sent back by the Talk Sport email guard as "ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Muppet!!!" is considered to be just a touch too nasty for his poor little eyes.

However, on to yesterday's game. The problem seems to be pretty simple, so simple it will only take a few bullet points.

1. This was a team that are obviously already on the beach. To lose a two goal lead to the worst team in the league is nigh on treasonable. To go with the performance last week, there is definitely some work to be done by the manager over the summer, including....

2. The need for a striker who can, well, strike. The stats don't lie. Fourteen shots, ten on target, eight of them direct at David James. The answer to our scoring problem is not to take Kidneys off and put the misfiring Swede on. It's finding someone who can put the ball either side of the keeper.

3. Let's hope that, if and when Bolton tell all his suitors where to go, someone can actually introduce Gary "Gaz" Cahill to Zat Knight. Great apart, abysmal together.

4. While he is pre season training with The Arse, Mr Wenger can advise Little Jack that he isn't that good enough yet to take on a whole team. Yes he set up a goal, yes he was close to setting up another at the end, he just has to know when to hold or give at the right time, to paraphrase New Order. His dallying on the ball led directly to Portsmouth scoring.

The season is in danger of ending with a whimper, not a bang. Spurs next week could turn into one of the worst days of my life, if Mrs X lets me go, and then the Brum game might as well be played on a park. The manager should make it clear to the players that how they perform over the next two games could determine whether they will be at T'Reebok next season. Never mind the list from earlier in the week, at the moment you could probably count on one hand the players that, on yesterday's showing, deserve to be wearing the white next year.

Plus I had a fiver on 2-0, the mugs.

Until tomorrow, does anyone know a Burnley fan who needs directions to Scunthorpe?

Goodbye, Goodbye, Your Leaving Us Goodbye....

Morning all and another beautiful day rises in the wonderful world of Bolton Wanderers.

You can normally be assured that when it comes to mid week that you can hear the sound of crickets when looking for news on the club but, this being the end of the season, transfer news has started to rear its head as the papers gear themselves up for having nothing to do except report on Shrek's achilles for the next two months.

First in the spotlight is Little Dracula who has decided, it seems, that his future lies beyond the confines of Winter Hill and that he will not be returning up the M61 come next season. This is undboubtedly to do with the fact that we already have a right winger and he is, currently, a lot better than Weiss. However, with the olive branch that St Owen gave to him over the weekend, you can't help thinking that him coming out the day after and saying no thank you resembles the following conversation.

"I love you darling, please accept my heart". "Up yours slag, I'm going to piss in your face"

If I were St Owen I'd stick him on the bench for the next three games, make him warm up for the ten minutes before the end of the game and time it just right that he is about to come on when the final whistle is blown. I dare say that someone will take him on loan next year as the chances of him getting a game for Citeh are about as slim as an an anorexic with a bulimia problem. I just hope that it isn't us, the ungrateful little blood sucker.

Also on the way out, according to the Star are Jlloyd, AOB, The Badger, The Shit, Nicky Hunt and Ou Est? Whilst some have got lost in the bowels of T'Reebok trying to find Nicky Hunt's career, all these names should not really come as a great shock. AOB, The Badger and The Shit were the former two regimes purchases and while AOB played well his age has caught up with him whilst the other two never really struck anyone as football players. Jlloyd must have known his days were numbered when Stefan kept his place despite being, well, Stefan, whilst Ou Est is at the end of a contract that saw him play approximately never. To this list we Mustadda Riga. Geddit?
However, we at T'Towers are concerned with the final name on the list. There is a time that all great servants of clubs have to go, but Ricky Gardner surely has some years left in him yet and even if he doesn't, which we disagree with, a fine servant for twelve years should be treated with at least a testimonial before being put out to pasture, or as it's known in our house, Tranmere. Remember the Campo debacle, and he was only with us for a short time, comparitively. Anyway, the Save Ricky campaign starts here. I'm ordering T-shirts.

Also on the way out, temporarily this time, is Danny Ward who has spent most of the season on loan at Swindon and now may be moving up a division, depending on whether they can stay in the Championship, at Crystal Palace. This may have some truth in it as there would be no reason for a national to make up a story about such a small name. Oh no, hang on, it was in The People. Oh, and in the space of two days, Gary "Gaz" Cahill's price has gone up £3million. It's started to look enticing.

Now, pay attention. As our families have not yet seen the photos, another road trip beckons this weekend, unfortunately not one as glamorous as crossing the USA thinking your James Dean for a day, although Liverpool can look OK in a good light if you squint. So we will return on Sunday, by which time we expect Gaz to be dipped in gold and be worth approximately the national debt of Ecuador. In the meantime, our prediction for Saturday is 3-0 and safety.

Until then, take care of your hub caps.

Rubbish medicine takes six months to diagnose excuse.

Afternoon all and welcome to this weeks medical update. Yes, the team that brought you Gary "Gaz" Cahill's blood clot have today come out with the news that the reason Matty Taylor has started playing so "well", in relative terms, was that he had been suffering from glandular fever for the past six months which had gone undiagnosed. If this is the case then some people, and not just the person writing this, would maybe have to eat some humble pie, but we're not putting the oven on just yet. We have said that he played well at Chelsea, and we also remarked but yesterday that scoring two goals, whilst welcome, does not a man of the match performance make. Strikers can have a bad game and then score two goals and THAT doesn't make them man of the match, it is about the whole game. The whole team performance was abject in the first half on Saturday and the former BEN, in it's review of the game, marks the introduction of young Dracula as the turning point, his winning of the free kick and his cross for Matty making the real difference, as we said yesterday. We wish Matty well, and hope that now he has been diagnosed he can put in three match winning performances for the rest of the season. Then we will fire up the AGA.

A last word on the game, and Stoke's former Stretford player Daniel Higginbum has complained that the referee was swayed by the Bolton players shouting for the free kick from which Matty scored from. Let me just say this again. The player left his leg there asking to be fallen over. If he didn't want a free kick to be given he shouldn't have done that. Former whinging Stretford players prove you can take the boy out of Old Trafford etc.

In other news, the manager has acknowledged that he wants to keep both Little Jack and Dracula for another season. This is pretty much a no brainer on the part of Jack, who has been impressive enough for a player of his age, but the fear here at the Towers is that Mr Vinegar will have seen the performances he has put in and want to keep him at The Emirates next season, the physicality that he has built up in the past months something that The Arse may be needing next season. Some Arsenal fans are of the opinion that he was what they needed THIS season. When it comes to Dracula it is something else. His performances have been mostly sub par and his dummy spitting last month didn't do him any favours. However, with Lee Chung-Yong looking like he is suffering from burn out and needing a rest, especially as he is playing in the World Cup which means that having had played in the Korean league last year, by the time South Korea depart the tournament he would have played constantly for more than a year, Little Drac may well be given a chance to stake a claim, keep Citeh happy and allow us to further his education next year if he impresses.

Elsewhere, a Spuds fan has been banned for their final home game against us after he shouted abuse at the dad of the year on his sending off on Saturday. Good to see the Spuds taking action over one fan having a go at the dad of the year when really they should be banning the lot of them for their homophobic chants and death threats towards Sol Campbell. God, I hate Spurs. God, I hope we stick one right up them in two weeks. God, I even hope Citeh beat them.

Now, a quick word about this, the new home kit for the 2010-2011 season. The first impression was that it was a vast improvement over both this seasons, the bar code, and the season before, the apron. And there is more to like than just that. After the past few kits, this goes back to simplicity, a bit of blue and red here and there, the crest in the middle. Naturally, the only downside is that crappy big orange blob stuck in the middle, overwhelming the crest and the maker's name, giving it an impression of being too busy, but I'm sure you can buy it without the sponsors name. All in all very nice. Maybe one day we will be able to go back to just a white top? Anyway, after a season of not wanting to wear the club's top, granted partly because of the regime at the beginning of the season, this may well be winging its way to X Towers in the post.

Anyway, a night shift awaits. Marvin, he was a friend of mine.

Comeback. No, please. Come Back!

The morning after the night before is always a difficult time, but after watching MOTD last night, the spring in my step as I leapt from my bed at 5:30 this morning can only be described as gazelle like. After watching the score automatically update on the BBC website, I had no idea that Bolton's best player would actually turn out to be the woodwork, who managed to turn in a better defensive shift than the rest of the back four. Don't believe me? Any defence that can let that lazy, useless ginga Kitson through for quite possibly the easiest goal of his career needs lining up against a wall. Luckily he reverted to type later in the game by ballooning over the bar whilst virtually standing on the goal line, although why he had been alllowed to be there in the first place is only beaten by nobody noticing that Abdi Faye, all 9' 2" of him, was alone in the box in injury time. It's not like half of them wouldn't recognise him or anything. Luckily, Abdi didn't use his main weapon, his head, and that ball is still coming down.

Somehow, Matt Taylor has been awarded man of the match in most newspapers. Now, I like Football Manager like the next man where scoring two goals in a game puts you on the verge of the national squad, but the fact remains that until his (deflected) first goal he had been as mediocre as everyone else. Like I said on Friday, after his performance at Chelsea he deserved to be in the team but, like Clint said in Unforgiven, deserve's got nothing to do with it. Call me cynical, but an improvement in performance as the season ends, especially after the interest from Birmingham.......well, you be the judge. For me, if anyone was man of the match it was Dracula, "conning" the ref into the free kick (I'm sorry, he left his foot there. That's happened to us this season) and then producing a bit of magic to get the ball across for Matty's second. While this may be too little, too late for Dracula, whose performances have put the DER in underperforming, it did show the talent that most Citeh fans have been talking about. And it's not like I'm condoning cheating, but with the World Cup so near, I'll be expecting Shrek to do that in the last minute of the Final against Germany, if need be.

This is not to say that I am not grateful for the three points. I was thinking a point here and three points against Portsmouth would see us safe and mean we might play with some freedom in the remaining games. I now expect six points and some more freedom when we play the Spuds, which may (Oh God please) scupper their fourth place dreams. Whilst I advocated keeping the same side that played Chelsea, there is a reason why I'm not a football manager, and hindsight is the best job as a football fan, a luxury not available to St Owen et al. Said hindsight tells me that there was some tactical naievety in playing the same side, that he managed to eradicate with the introduction of Kidneys, and it says a lot that the misfiring Swede was kept on the bench with even five minutes to go. Mrs X was asking me last night who I expected to be given the tin tack during the close season and his name kept on rising to the top.

However, when you are out passed by Stoke for 45 mins, and I do not rise to this idea that they are more than the sum of their parts, something is not right. They've only been in the Premiership two seasons and it took us that amount of time to stop contuinually playing the long ball. Whilst I have the utmost respect for what Tony Puss has done there, bar defending Ryan Shawcross, in the words of our friends from N17, these are the teams we should be beating. That we were lucky to win counts for something I suppose, we've had little of that over the past three years, and if the footballing Gods were smiling yesterday they did us all a favour by reversing our luck from Tuesday. And don't think we didn't notice the irony of the dad of the year's handball yesterday, a damn sight less blatant than the one at the Bridge.

Of the game, while rightly praising Dracula and unsurprisingly praising Matty, St Owen also praised the fans who had made the trip and said "

You could see what it meant to the players when the celebrated with the fans who, once again, were absolutely magnificent

It has been said before but it is worth repeating that the relationship between the players and fans has been top notch since the turn of the year and, even though some (Wilshere and Weiss) are not exactly Bolton's players, everyone who follows the team away always gives 100% to them and that is something that wasn't necessarily the case beforehand.

In other news, the silly season starts here. The Mirror speculate that Mr Vinegar could be looking to take Fat Kev from the Toon to the Arse. You remember Fat Kev? Used to be on the verge of the England team before he took the Michael Ricketts diet. Now, I understand that he has had a good year by the Tyne but seriously, even we didn't want him back, which was one of the only times that the majority of fans and the former manager agreed.

There is also news, and this could be the beginning of the biggest on going yawn of the summer, that Liverpool are looking at a £15million bid for Gary "Gaz" Cahill, according to The People, and this will happen if the Fat Spanish Waiter gets the go-ahead to spend "BIG MONEY". This will obviously depend on whether said waiter is still plying his trade on the Mersey come the end of June or hasn't hot footed it back to the continent to be replaced by our former manager but one, due to Liverpool's inability to get into the Champions League. The article also suggests that Spurs may renew their interest in him too. Now while Gaz going to either of these two clubs would make me want to drink my own piss, there is an implicit understanding that he will go eventually. Hopefully, once both these clubs fall short of fourth place, none of the big three will come in for him and he will stay for another year before Gallas and Campbell retire and St Owen and Mr Vinegar come to an understanding. Besides the idea of Liverpool spending big this year has to be a joke. Surely Portsmouth have more money?

Now that is a lot of writing and I still haven't got to my thoughts about what has happened while I've been away. Unfortunately that will have to wait for another day as alcohol and a nice roast await.

Until tomorrow, a man's got to know his limitations.

News: Volcano dust not only thing air traffic control has to worry about.

It's Stoke v Bolton tomorrow and, if people are to believed, the ball will spend more time in the air than Corey Haim when he was taking it easy. Somehow we have managed to score more goals from throw ins than Stoke this year, but that is more to do with Stoke using Rory Delap sparingly and the former manager's tactics than anything else. (Speaking, quickly, of the nameless one, I noticed that Sky gave him some publicity oxygen on Wednesday, but luckily jet lag kicked in just after I heard him speak, which, unfortunately, guaranteed a couple of nightmares in my twelve hour kip).

Of course, we have a new manager now and after another tough set of fixtures, which I have managed to mostly avoid due to being on Planes, Trains and an Automobile, we enter a set of fixtures that are winnable (barring the Spuds). There is a possibility that 32 points will be enough. It is hard to see where the teams below us are going to pick up points except when they play each other and Portsmouth will be resting players before the cup final, giving us a chance to pick up the three points which will be enough.

As for the Stoke game, it is possible to see a point coming. The players will still be on a high from Tuesday and will certainly still be smarting from the two penalty decisions. Stoke are known for playing a one dimensional way, pretty much the way that we have played in parts of the season, and it may be possible to play football around them. It would be interesting to see if St Owen keeps the same team, and they would certainly deserve it. Even Matty Taylor, who the manager singled out for praise after his performance. I saw thirty minutes of the Tuesday game, eschewing the shower in the hotel at Heathrow, and his pearler of a cross would have resulted in a goal if it hadn't landed on the 50p head of the misfiring Swede.

Of the Stoke game, St Owen says

we know that it will be a tough contest and we have to be ready for it. But we have to play our own game and look to show our qualities.

That nice mummy's boy Ryan Shawcross is out injured, which should spare a couple of broken ankles, and the good news is that Stoke are one of those teams that, man for man, we are better than, Abdi Faye notwithstanding. However, in the slow limp to the line we at The Towers will go for a 1-1 draw. That would assume we score of course.

There is more to be said, of course, and a lot has happened over the past four weeks, including the unveil of ANOTHER new kit. But some of us have to work the weekend, so that will be it for today. The end of the season is just around the bend, my huckleberry friend.

A Quiet Return....

A full return tomorrow. However, just a couple of things noticed whilst being in the States.

1. The NCAA Final was a damn sight more exciting than a basketball game should ever be and I say this as someone who had reached saturation point on it.

2. Tommy Smyth is a tit. (Not Tommy Smith the ex Liverpool player who would shit me for breakfast).

3. The Mad Dog in the Fog in San Francisco is a great place to watch the game at 7am. See if Mad Jack from Clapham is in. Tell him I said hi and I will return his matches when I next see him.

So now I'm back, can we start picking up some points please?

Until tomorrow, JUSTICE FOR THE 96.

Somewhere From The North Will Return on April 14

Sorry, having too much fun getting spliced and shit....

A Bridge Too Far..

Greetings from San Francisco. If I had hair, I'd have flowers in it, but I haven't, so it's a moot point. I'm not really sure how this is going to work over the next four weeks but I'm thinking that if I see something that has the ability to make me smile if I take the piss out of it, then that is what's going to happen, and let's face it, in the wacky world of BWFC, it's not going to be hard. Oh, and we beat the woolybacks on Saturday. But you knew that already, didn't you?

And it begins. The club has announced that they, the club, are allowing us, the fans, to vote on who should be presented with the newcomer of the year award at the end of the season. Now, in true Oscar's fashion, you would think that they would whittle it down to five for our delectation. But no, they've included everyone that has appeared in a match squad, even if it was the League Cup and they had no chance of getting on.

So your runners and riders are:

Stefan Dennis. I don't think I need to say anything about this, do I?
Sir Knight of Villashire. A genuine contender. If you disregard the first half of the season.
Not Mike. Ditto.
Sean Davis. What? He played three games and got sent off in one of them before undergoing surgery that ruled him out for the rest of the season? I'd expect him to be in the same category next year.
Chung-yong Lee: THE genuine contender
Kidneys: Yes he has scored goals and yes he has been mostly excellent, and he has new kidneys in case you had forgotten. But, err, isn't he on loan? Shouldn't this preclude him as the is a poss/probability he won't be around next year.
Our Yank: Maybe, if you suddenly get amnesia and forget he has missed twice as many games as he has started due to being more crocked than Ryan Giggs during international friendly time.
Jack Wilshere: A talent but see Kidneys.
Dracula: Doesn't even seem to be a favourite of the man who brought him in, plus see the dummy spitting incident, plus see Kidneys.
Mark Connolly: Oh spare me. Has has he played? At all. And I mean for St Johnstone as well, where he has spent half the season. No? Then WTF?

This has a whiff of "they're all winners in our eyes", which is basically crap as Stefan is on the list. There should have been a shortlist of Zat,Sam,Lee,Stuart and (oh go on then as it's too short a list) Stefan.

We have a good manager. Maybe he can take a shot at pruning the idiots who bring this sort of list to the public notice.

Until next time, d'ya feel lucky? Well, d'ya?

Somewhere From The North: An Announcement

As our regular readers will be aware, Mr and Mrs X are soon to make the Mr and Mrs part legal, or as legal as you can get in the great state of Nevada. This will mean that postings will get a bit sporadic over the next month or so as we travel west to east across the great plains, into Dark Territory and onwards to Newark. Mrs X has already advised me that the wedding will now be taking precedence over any interneting so don't be too surprised if the next posting comes from a Starbucks in San Francisco. (A wedding list is available at John Lewis. Just ask for X)

But before then, the woolybacks come to T'Reebok on Saturday and another must win game comes along since the last must win game, in which, you will recall, I suffered some sort of nightmare while falling asleep watching. This is the last game of the six which were pinpointed as games that T'Wanderers had to get some points out of and as that points total currently stands at seven from a possible fifteen, sticking it to Wigan and making it ten from eighteen, which will get most of the dogging naysayers looking over their shoulder, is a must.

After the debacle on Tuesday, it would take a fool to second guess the manager as to the team selection, barring Jussi, Gretar, Knight Zat of Villashire and Super Kev. All the rest must be fretting as to who will play. We have continually said that Stefan Dennis is an accident that has already happened and Jlloyd must have tried it on with St Owens gran for him not to have had a look in. Or, and here's an original thought, wasn't Ricky Gardner a left back for about five years before Jlloyd came in? The other centre seems to be between AOB and The Shitt, an unedifying choice, I'm sure you'll agree.

As for the midfield, the ones who just watched Sunderland walk through them on Tuesday, we would expect Lee to stay and Little Jack to keep his place if he gets over his knock and then it's perm two from Ricky, Dracula, Samantha, Matty, Tamir or even Super Kev coming back. Personally I'd like to see the Misfiring Swede placed on the wing. All we ever hear is that he works his socks off and surely he would be able to do that on the right. That would leave plenty of scope for SuperKev and Kidneys up front. As for the bench, I hear their trying to draft in some of the ladies team, such is the paucity of back up.

About the game, St Owen says

We recognise that we are playing a very good side in Wigan who had a tremendous boost the other night with their victory over Liverpool

but he has ultimately failed to mention that Liverpool failed to roll over Lille last night, which shows he far Fat Rafa and his not so merry men have fallen this season. I mean, Wigan then Lille eh? Phumph. When it comes to Wigan this season, if they hadn't played one less game than us, they would have an almost identical record and they have been as atrocious away from home as we have and as good at home which is probably something to do with their turnip of a pitch as, bar Rodellega, Kirkland and Bramble, I'm having difficulty from naming their players. For this we are going for a 2-0, as that bitch is going to come round eventually and I'm going to be quids in, which will pay for a few games at the MGM Grand.

Our usual two experts, Lawro goes for a Bolton win, for once, while Hansen goes for a draw.

Speaking of pundits who regularly speak out of their anus, I heard an interesting podcast this week when a journalist from France Football stated how exasperated he was that the only TV pundits that there are in the English game are ex footballers. Whilst there are ex football playing pundits in France, he said, they are complimented by experienced journalists who can give an opposing view to their slightly one sided viewpoint. And as for co-commentators, whenever the opportunity arises, Mr Whinger crosses the channel and gives some erudite comments. Can you imagine Fergie doing that. And can you imagine a Soccer Saturday with Merson, Thompson and the blokes from the Tory and the Indy? And that is our thought for the day, and possibly our last thought in England for five weeks. On football that is. My last thought in England will probably be that something this large isn't supposed to fly.

Until then, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I have the only gun on board. Welcome to Con Air.

Count Them.

You've got to admire Bolton. Sticking it to a team with an impressive home record one day, losing to a team with a worse record than Chester City the next. And what a loss. It's like the Edinburgh Comedy Festival upped sticks, moved a hundred miles south and decided to open five months early.

Some fool mentioned yesterday that the way Zat Knight was playing at the moment there would be only one outcome when it came to him coming up against Darren Bent. And it's good to see that we were proved right. And it's not like he had to try for two of them, Not Mike deciding that one yellow card wasn't enough and then Fred Karno came to town for the fourth. Add to that Frazier Campbell scoring his first for Sunderland and you pretty much sum up an abysmal night all round. Having missed the first half hour due to Mrs X deciding that our alcohol intake was down and it needed stocking up before we leave the country on Tuesday, the only time that I made any kind of noise was half way through the second half when either Bolton had a half chance (spurned) or a naked Ashley Cole rose out of a manhole on the Mile End Road and told me that he wanted to make me his bitch. Either way, I think I dreamed both. It seemed for most of the game that the Bolton players were under the impression that if they ran the ball into the Sunderland area there would be a sudden outbreak of Ganges fever such was the lack of imagination. And if you are going to throw the ball into the area, don't let it fall on the head of a 6'4" Albanian.

From somewhere, St Owen saw the following:

Some things went against us throughout the course of the game and while certainly not begrudging Sunderland the win, the scoreline flattered them tonight

Well, being picked off at random by a group of players whose confidence is at a low ebb and who couldn't pick up a point if they were in a point store that had just had an influx of a new line of points will do that. St Owen does have a nice line in self delusion, but sometimes he just has to shut up and say we were crap.

Anyway, as Mrs X just said, we only have to beat Wigan on Saturday. Should be a breeze.And she should know, being a Liverpool fan.

Until tomorrow, whoever wins, we lose.

I Hate Buses.....

...obviously because you wait ages for one etc. etc.

Who would have thought that getting any kind of broadband in a Sheffield hotel would be so hard? Anyway, back in the south, we have broadband coming out of our ears. Three years after I left South Yorkshire, some things haven't changed. (The picture in this article is of an actual bus in Sheffield, of which they have a lot). South Yorkshire is going on my list. All of it.

A win is a win and this was done with the kind of style that makes journos say things that really gets on Wanderers fans nerves like "Wow, Bolton play football" or "Bolton don't always play it in the air" or "I get paid a lot of money to write this guff and for once I had to go and see a Bolton game, but it was OK as it was in the south. Hang on, maybe I was wrong about Bolton". As The Observer said on Sunday "Purists may still mutter about their style of play, but Bolton could hardly be accused of a lack of quality", followed on Monday by it's sister paper quoting Kieron Dyer "We expected them to sit off and let us have possession of the ball and hit us on the break but they came straight for us" Now, I'm not one to say that Kieron Dyer has had a lot of time on his hands, although apparently he has so far cost West Ham something like £1million per game, but surely he has had enough time to see us tear into Arsenal twice, Citeh once or Spurs once (let's forget the second game), all these on TV. In fact, I know times are hard in Newham, what with having to sell to a porn merchant as well as seeing a great White Elephant rise in the west of the borough, but I'm sure the players can afford their TV licence.

But in football, we move on, and so tonight we go to Wearside. Sunderland's local paper, The Echo, goes for a home win but gives no reason as to why. Apparently it's got something to do with Wigan beating Liverpool last night and at the same time last year Wigan beating Sunderland when Steve Bruce was in charge. This, you would expect, is why the national daily's aren't beating a path to the writers door. And I thought the former BEN was bad (although Kelly's One Eye this week lazily talks about what people have been talking about for months, namely "Should Kevin Davies go to the World Cup?")

Sunderland shouldn't be in this position although half the teams that are down there shouldn't, and I include ourselves in that. They have a good strike force, probably better than ours, a solid midfield, about as good as ours, and a cracking goalkeeper, although worse than ours. The Sunderland malaise can be put down to one thing, the thing that has affected our misfiring Swede all season. The price they cost. A lot of money went into Sunderland during both Keane and Bruce's time, to little or no effect, and a lot of players rest on their laurels when they have been bought by a big(ish) club, which Sunderland are, and by the time they realise they are in danger, it is too late. (See what happened to West Ham not long ago).

There is also the possibility that they think Bolton are going to be easy, although this will have dissipated after the last two results. We at the Towers will be going for an away win.

Speaking about the game and comparing it to Saturday, St Owen says

Hopefully the lads have taken a lot of confidence from Saturday and they have to go out and replicate that performance again. If they do, we will have a real chance of earning points from the match

And quite right to. There is no point in getting what were a fantastic three points in London and then finding ourselves receiving the similar from Sunderland. Bolton are the team in form and suddenly we have our shooting boots on again (except for the misfiring Swede, natch). Sunderland only seem to be able to get a shot on target if it falls to Darren Bent. Nullify him and that should be enough and they way Knight Zat of Villashire is playing at the moment there can be only one outcome. There appears to be an impression that Bolton are a one player team, namely the captain, but since the turn of the year it has been proved that we are more than that. Win tonight and against the Woolybacks on Saturday and that, it must be said, is virtually job done.

As for the team, with Cohen suspended, we expect Matty to return. Dracula has been silent since his dummy spitting but one more game sitting it out should make him realise that players don't pick the team, which will stand him in good stead when he goes back to the council house.

Until tomorrow my friends, you can take that to the bank.

Back to where it all started to go wrong.

To the Boleyn Ground tomorrow (don’t whatever you do call it Upton Park for reasons to be explained) for the next in our round of six pointers against T’Hammers. After the victory last weekend against Wolves you can pretty much expect the same team, except with Matty or Dracula coming in for our crocked Yank. After his goal against Wales on Wednesday we feel that the misfiring Swede will keep his place but if we go goalless again there will be a clamour for a change in forward line. As for what kind of change, we will keep our powder dry until it it necessary. Like Sunday.

Anyway, as internet connection is sparse in Yorkshire, instead of being able to get you some news I would like to give to you a couple of stories about some recent trips to West Ham. The first is entitled as above.

So it’s April 2007 and Little Sam has just taken over from Big Sam. We are safe in fifth, looking good for a UEFA Cup place. Hindsight has yet to kick in. A good assistant taking over from a good manager who has just been given the great big “More money? Fuck You” from the board. West Ham, a team in the mire, destined to relegation. Surely an away certainty.
The first thing you note is that the tracksuit is gone, replaced by one you can pick up from the Ken and Barbie range at Toys ‘R’ Us. It seems a little, well, ill fitting. Not on the man himself, but it just looks wrong. Secondly there is the continual standing on the sidelines, waving his arms around at no one in particular, a foreshadowing of even unhappier days. And thirdly there is the earpiece, making him look like a 21st century Action Man with eagle eyes. And a scouse accent. Along comes Carlos Tevez, bang, bang, 3-1. Lots of positives. Of course, we all know where that went.

About a year later and I’m sat amongst about 5,000 less Bolton fans but sat next to the kind of Bolton teenagers that make you want to slap them. Know it all, seen it all, will smack all. These kids have none of this. Straight from the kick off they are winding up a West Ham fan who isn’t sat near the away fans to find out their opinion of Moliere. I think the tattoo that says “I love mum” around his neck gives this away. “Have it” they are saying. “You’re dead” he is intimating, with the sort of action across his neck that would suggest Dodge and getting out of it is high on the cards. As half time approaches, a kindly steward taps me on the shoulder and says it might be better if I moved seats. Five minutes into the second half he asks the four kids to leave. The West Ham fan and six of his cohorts leave their seats at the same time and never come back. Forty minutes later as I leave the ground I see four Bolton fans lying on the ground, being attended to by paramedics. The West Ham fan is crying into the arms of his mother who then drives him off. But it’s Ok, he didn’t mean it.

Oh and Upton Park, it’s the name of the tube station. Call it that in Newham, expect a stabbing.

Until Sunday, yippe kay ey.

Cruel Irony, How You Mock Me.

Afternoon all, and after yesterday's little rant, a return to normality.

Well, I say normality, but if you are a Bolton fan it will not have escaped your attention that our misfiring Swede became slightly less than misfiring when playing for his national side last night. One minute before half time, corner comes across, he takes his time to exquisitely control it before firing a lovely half volley over everyone and into the net. Did you wince? Did you throw your hands up in the air like I did at work last night, in such a scene of non plusment, that someone asked me if I was supporting Wales? Did you put your head in your hands and cry "why,why,why" so plaintively that you got sent home early? No? Just me then.

Maybe, and we are saying this with a great large pinch of salt, this could be the goal that gets him going. Ok, it was only Wales, a country so much of whipping boys they get hired out down in Soho of a Saturday night, but if he can take this into the game at the weekend then who knows. Interesting times ahead.

However, as the lord giveth so doth he taketh and The Yank (a nickname I'm sticking with thank you very much) has been ruled out after "Dirty" Nigel De Jong decided to see what would happen if he proved my theory from yesterday correct and fractured his shin during the Holland-USA game. The prognosis is that he will be out for up to six weeks, which is a blow and will mean that the dummy spitting Dracula might get his wish for more playing time. Whilst there must be some sympathy for Weiss, who Citeh fans believe is a major talent, in his showings for Bolton he has done little to prove this. OK, limited game time may make your head do down, but not to the extent that you don't bring it back up and look for teammates when you actually get on. But one man's misfortune etc. and now that he may get his chance he better take it. The last time someone spat their dummy or anything else at Bolton it was Dioufy, and we don't want to go over that ground again.

Moving on briefly to today's papers and it is good to see that the disease of speaking the bleeding obvious has spread to our Croatian international who has told the former BEN today

We must realise that we need to put the ball in the net

Thanks. We knew there was something missing put putting our collective finger on it was just beating us. Now we know what it is, I expect a push for Europe.

But wait, I hear you cry, surely we can't have gone a couple of days without a Gary "Gaz" Cahill injury update. Fear not, as the current messiah tells thecrapwebsite.co.uk

I would expect that a week on Monday he will be able to join in with the rest of the group and then we will look to build up his fitness and sharpness from there

So not long to go until the second (third?) coming.

Tomorrow, our thoughts on the West Ham game which I will not be attending due to travelling north as T'Trotters travel south. Oh Cruel Irony etc. etc.

SFW If They Don't Like It Up 'Em?

Afternoon all. Not much in the wonderful world of T'Wanderers today as most of the players, barring our English contingent natch, are away on international duty. However, to spare us writing long, dull, interminable passages about swallows and amazons, along comes the manager to stick it to The Arse. Unforunately, he has stuck it to them wrong. Very, very wrong.

If they say that it only takes a second to score a goal, then Bolton had the Indian sign over Arsenal for a very, very long time. Although those days have passed, and we miss them dearly, the artisans of Highbury were beaten using a mix of some skill (players like Okocha, Diouf, Youri and Anelka do not come at you with a big stick) and tactics straight out of the Big Sam playbook; hit it long, play it close, don't give them time to settle and, most importantly, they don't like it up 'em. Be a little bit forceful, give them a little kick (copyright Fat Kev), don't be afraid to get stuck in. It will help even more if they have a pantomime villain, let's make it their German keeper so the fans have someone to rile.

For four or five years, this worked. Arsenal, for the most part, just could not buy a win and Bolton, playing within the rules, riled Arsenal so much that they, on occassions, tried to play the same tactic, culminating with Big Sam's last game at Highbury when Flamini tried to take Ricky Gardner off at the knee. All things shall pass.

However, other teams saw this as a way to play Arsenal and so, as Bolton bought players who couldn't tackle, other teams took the mantle up and started to become overly physical when Arsenal came to town. Press them hard, give them a little kick, do a bit of blood and thunder. I am not saying that players go onto the pitch and say that "today is the day I get me some Arsenal pussy", but being overly physical at home has been proved to be the way to get a result against Arsenal and the injuries to Diaby, Eduardo and now Ramsey are simply a by product of that. So when St Owen comes out and says that there

"is no way in the world that anyone would go out to intentionally hurt or maim any player"

he is dead right, as we have left the days of Chopper and Bite Yer Legs long behind. But he has missed the point of what Mr Whinger is actually saying.

Remember a few weeks ago when I said that there had been an assassination attempt on Mark Davies by William Gallas? This was a badly timed challenge that should have been a sending off and Mark Davies was lucky to escape serious injury. No one had sympathy for Gallas, badly timed challenge or not. It is now OK to say in hindsight that Gallas didn't mean it as Mark was up and about two weeks later and back on the pitch. Would it have been the same if one of our better talents had been put out until Christmas? Somehow, I think not. This is exactly what has happened to Ramsey. So whether Gallas meant it or Shawcross meant it is a moot point. The fact is it happened and the injured party has to deal with the consequences. So please, spare me the 'he didn't mean it' speech. Those players meant to tackle hard, they knew what they were doing, it's just that one got away with it and one didn't. And our manager, for once, has spoken out of his arse.

For once.

Until tomorrow, chew on that asshole.

LANDMARK!!!!

100 posts yesterday. Granted it was a photo of some bloke, not me, sleeping at his laptop with little wordage but it was cause for Mrs X to bring out that special bottle she has been saving for a special occassion, which she then had to drink most of due to my dicky tummy.

Anyway, as I've been out of the loop, indeed out of most things, for the past few days, I shall pass on passing comment on the Wolves game, except to say that a win is a win, and probably just about deserved from what I have been reading. Unfortunately the only information I was getting at the time was Merson's stupid face appearing every so often on the screen in the bar in Covent Garden we were in, so I knew something was going on, if not what. It was good to see Zat get a goal, his performances since the new year have deserved it, and with another clean sheet, it is another smack in the face for those under the impression that Bolton are "leaking goals". And a big middle finger to Stanley.

Of the other news that has been missed admist the fog, the major information is, of course, the fact that Gary "Gaz" Cahill could be back a lot sooner than expected. It does seem strange, lauding the defence for their clean sheets whilst Cahill has been out, but wanting him back, but we have said before that one of the main reasons we are losing goals when we do is due to a Stefan Dennis shaped hole down the left hand side which could be more than filled by Gretar or Not Mike, or even some bloke called Jlloyd Samuel (or Gardner?). This is also excellent news for "Gaz", as a return by the end of March or early April could push him toward the England side, especially as the Dad of the Year's head appears to be in bits, They Call Him Rio having his back literally in bits and Upson about to go down with T'Hammers.

News also comes that Bolton are the fifth biggest money making football club in the north-west, but when you are above the likes of the Dingles, the other Dingles and the Woolybacks, this is not so much a good thing as the best of a bad bunch. And if we have so much money, why is the crapwebsite.co.uk still crap.com?

Hopefully there will be more to say tomorrow, but before you go I suggest you pass yourself over to Arseblog. The man has strange ideas about Bolton and our fans but what he says about the Shawcross tackle on Aaron Ramsey is the truest bit of writing I have read about it. Arsenal are no angels, just like us, which he admits, but his thoughts on the defence of Shawcross should be shoved back down the throats of all those who defended him over the weekend. Plus, he hates Stan Collymore.

Until tomorrow, that's not a knife.

Stag Do. Approached With Caution.

Nearly there everybody. Nearly there.