Exodus

Big love going out to all of you today in Northland as the stinking carcass of The Clarets starts to pollute the air and the vultures of the Premier League start picking off the best bits, if by the best bits you mean the bits that you wouldn't even feed to a Burnley fan if he turned up at your door emaciated from a twelve week trek across the sahara and with about five minutes to live. Because that would be fun.

It should come as a surprise to absolutely no one that Bolton would be linked to any player that is deemed good enough to remain in the Premier League at Tuff Door and Steven Fletcher is the first one to be mentioned because a) he's their best player and b) he's a striker and God knows we need someone, anyone, who can put the ball in the net on a semi regular basis who isn't a central defender. St Owen seemed to know a good player when he saw one and his record this season in a team that has been relegated is as good as anyone we've got and he may get more goals from playing with better players. Whether or not Churchill the Dog lookalike Kilby will even look at a Bolton bid is another thing entirely, and he has already told Burnley's website that St Owen can go and stick his head somewhere smelling of poo as they can afford to keep hold of their players. Message to Mr Kilby. If you haven't yet learnt this season that football doesn't work like that these days you have no business running a football club. In fact, you have no business running a football club. Oh no no no no no.

There are also reports that Bolton are after Joseph Yobo who is surplus to requirements at Everton. This is falling into the trap of the the former regime who thought that buying a job lot of defenders would be the answer to their prayers and we all know how that one turned out. I will now sing this from the highest rooftop. WE HAVE ENOUGH DEFENDERS. WE DO NOT NEED ANYMORE, ESPECIALLY A CROCKED ONE.

The Times reports a tenative enquiry on Jimmy Bullard as the fire sale starts at Hull. Oh, if only this had been three years ago when he was worth something. The only thing that Bullard is noted for now is taking a lot of money from his employers whilst lying on the treatment table. He made thirty nine league appearances for Fulham who probably couldn't believe their luck when Hull came in for him, where he immediately got injured again before managing another fifteen league games for them. That's fifty four league games, for our innumerate friends, in four years. Plus he's thirty one. We already have one worthless thirty one year old midfielder..

And speaking of the Badger, it appears he is joining the list of those out of the door, as long as he doesn't show the manager his stuff on a one month trial. Seeing as how he has hardly shown his stuff since joining, this will be a tall order for our favourite nocturnal chum. Given that St Owen signed Stefan on a full deal before his loan ran out, it brings to mind the old adage, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice take me behind the Lofthouse Lower and shoot me.

The Mirror report that instead of the seven already mentioned, it is now ten players that are for the heave ho come season's end. The misfiring Swede has joined the list, which is no great surprise as I've seen the non darts players on Bullseye get closer to the target than him on occasion. Riga is obviously the ninth, as exclusively revealed here last week. But who is the mystery tenth man? Seeing as we have a penchant for keeping rubbish players, like our current left back, my money's on Al-Habsi who's about as close to a regular place in the team as Nicky Hunt's dad, which is a shame but he must be getting fed up with getting splinters in his backside every weekend while Jussi shows every sign of getting younger. That's Al by the way, not Mr Hunt. And here's the thing, get rid of these ten, be able to afford to keep the golden boy. Simple. Or not.

It is getting closer to the end of the season and our in depth, completely unbiased, look at the season is nearly here. Who performed well, who didn't (one list is longer than the other), who should be kept, who shouldn't (again, one list longer than the other) and the good and bad differences between the managers (you've got the idea by now). I'd like to say there is no swearing but I'm not going to start lying to you now.

Until tomorrow, I'd like some beans.

Cheerio...

Well, at least we can start with some good news. Burnley, the team with the sourest of sour grapes, are not much longer for the Premier League. A drubbing at home to Liverpool showing that they just weren't good enough and that their manager made the correct decision to leave and become our manager. Good bye, good riddance, don't come back soon. As for my letter for Mr Collymore, it's currently being sent back by the Talk Sport email guard as "ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!! Muppet!!!" is considered to be just a touch too nasty for his poor little eyes.

However, on to yesterday's game. The problem seems to be pretty simple, so simple it will only take a few bullet points.

1. This was a team that are obviously already on the beach. To lose a two goal lead to the worst team in the league is nigh on treasonable. To go with the performance last week, there is definitely some work to be done by the manager over the summer, including....

2. The need for a striker who can, well, strike. The stats don't lie. Fourteen shots, ten on target, eight of them direct at David James. The answer to our scoring problem is not to take Kidneys off and put the misfiring Swede on. It's finding someone who can put the ball either side of the keeper.

3. Let's hope that, if and when Bolton tell all his suitors where to go, someone can actually introduce Gary "Gaz" Cahill to Zat Knight. Great apart, abysmal together.

4. While he is pre season training with The Arse, Mr Wenger can advise Little Jack that he isn't that good enough yet to take on a whole team. Yes he set up a goal, yes he was close to setting up another at the end, he just has to know when to hold or give at the right time, to paraphrase New Order. His dallying on the ball led directly to Portsmouth scoring.

The season is in danger of ending with a whimper, not a bang. Spurs next week could turn into one of the worst days of my life, if Mrs X lets me go, and then the Brum game might as well be played on a park. The manager should make it clear to the players that how they perform over the next two games could determine whether they will be at T'Reebok next season. Never mind the list from earlier in the week, at the moment you could probably count on one hand the players that, on yesterday's showing, deserve to be wearing the white next year.

Plus I had a fiver on 2-0, the mugs.

Until tomorrow, does anyone know a Burnley fan who needs directions to Scunthorpe?

Goodbye, Goodbye, Your Leaving Us Goodbye....

Morning all and another beautiful day rises in the wonderful world of Bolton Wanderers.

You can normally be assured that when it comes to mid week that you can hear the sound of crickets when looking for news on the club but, this being the end of the season, transfer news has started to rear its head as the papers gear themselves up for having nothing to do except report on Shrek's achilles for the next two months.

First in the spotlight is Little Dracula who has decided, it seems, that his future lies beyond the confines of Winter Hill and that he will not be returning up the M61 come next season. This is undboubtedly to do with the fact that we already have a right winger and he is, currently, a lot better than Weiss. However, with the olive branch that St Owen gave to him over the weekend, you can't help thinking that him coming out the day after and saying no thank you resembles the following conversation.

"I love you darling, please accept my heart". "Up yours slag, I'm going to piss in your face"

If I were St Owen I'd stick him on the bench for the next three games, make him warm up for the ten minutes before the end of the game and time it just right that he is about to come on when the final whistle is blown. I dare say that someone will take him on loan next year as the chances of him getting a game for Citeh are about as slim as an an anorexic with a bulimia problem. I just hope that it isn't us, the ungrateful little blood sucker.

Also on the way out, according to the Star are Jlloyd, AOB, The Badger, The Shit, Nicky Hunt and Ou Est? Whilst some have got lost in the bowels of T'Reebok trying to find Nicky Hunt's career, all these names should not really come as a great shock. AOB, The Badger and The Shit were the former two regimes purchases and while AOB played well his age has caught up with him whilst the other two never really struck anyone as football players. Jlloyd must have known his days were numbered when Stefan kept his place despite being, well, Stefan, whilst Ou Est is at the end of a contract that saw him play approximately never. To this list we Mustadda Riga. Geddit?
However, we at T'Towers are concerned with the final name on the list. There is a time that all great servants of clubs have to go, but Ricky Gardner surely has some years left in him yet and even if he doesn't, which we disagree with, a fine servant for twelve years should be treated with at least a testimonial before being put out to pasture, or as it's known in our house, Tranmere. Remember the Campo debacle, and he was only with us for a short time, comparitively. Anyway, the Save Ricky campaign starts here. I'm ordering T-shirts.

Also on the way out, temporarily this time, is Danny Ward who has spent most of the season on loan at Swindon and now may be moving up a division, depending on whether they can stay in the Championship, at Crystal Palace. This may have some truth in it as there would be no reason for a national to make up a story about such a small name. Oh no, hang on, it was in The People. Oh, and in the space of two days, Gary "Gaz" Cahill's price has gone up £3million. It's started to look enticing.

Now, pay attention. As our families have not yet seen the photos, another road trip beckons this weekend, unfortunately not one as glamorous as crossing the USA thinking your James Dean for a day, although Liverpool can look OK in a good light if you squint. So we will return on Sunday, by which time we expect Gaz to be dipped in gold and be worth approximately the national debt of Ecuador. In the meantime, our prediction for Saturday is 3-0 and safety.

Until then, take care of your hub caps.

Rubbish medicine takes six months to diagnose excuse.

Afternoon all and welcome to this weeks medical update. Yes, the team that brought you Gary "Gaz" Cahill's blood clot have today come out with the news that the reason Matty Taylor has started playing so "well", in relative terms, was that he had been suffering from glandular fever for the past six months which had gone undiagnosed. If this is the case then some people, and not just the person writing this, would maybe have to eat some humble pie, but we're not putting the oven on just yet. We have said that he played well at Chelsea, and we also remarked but yesterday that scoring two goals, whilst welcome, does not a man of the match performance make. Strikers can have a bad game and then score two goals and THAT doesn't make them man of the match, it is about the whole game. The whole team performance was abject in the first half on Saturday and the former BEN, in it's review of the game, marks the introduction of young Dracula as the turning point, his winning of the free kick and his cross for Matty making the real difference, as we said yesterday. We wish Matty well, and hope that now he has been diagnosed he can put in three match winning performances for the rest of the season. Then we will fire up the AGA.

A last word on the game, and Stoke's former Stretford player Daniel Higginbum has complained that the referee was swayed by the Bolton players shouting for the free kick from which Matty scored from. Let me just say this again. The player left his leg there asking to be fallen over. If he didn't want a free kick to be given he shouldn't have done that. Former whinging Stretford players prove you can take the boy out of Old Trafford etc.

In other news, the manager has acknowledged that he wants to keep both Little Jack and Dracula for another season. This is pretty much a no brainer on the part of Jack, who has been impressive enough for a player of his age, but the fear here at the Towers is that Mr Vinegar will have seen the performances he has put in and want to keep him at The Emirates next season, the physicality that he has built up in the past months something that The Arse may be needing next season. Some Arsenal fans are of the opinion that he was what they needed THIS season. When it comes to Dracula it is something else. His performances have been mostly sub par and his dummy spitting last month didn't do him any favours. However, with Lee Chung-Yong looking like he is suffering from burn out and needing a rest, especially as he is playing in the World Cup which means that having had played in the Korean league last year, by the time South Korea depart the tournament he would have played constantly for more than a year, Little Drac may well be given a chance to stake a claim, keep Citeh happy and allow us to further his education next year if he impresses.

Elsewhere, a Spuds fan has been banned for their final home game against us after he shouted abuse at the dad of the year on his sending off on Saturday. Good to see the Spuds taking action over one fan having a go at the dad of the year when really they should be banning the lot of them for their homophobic chants and death threats towards Sol Campbell. God, I hate Spurs. God, I hope we stick one right up them in two weeks. God, I even hope Citeh beat them.

Now, a quick word about this, the new home kit for the 2010-2011 season. The first impression was that it was a vast improvement over both this seasons, the bar code, and the season before, the apron. And there is more to like than just that. After the past few kits, this goes back to simplicity, a bit of blue and red here and there, the crest in the middle. Naturally, the only downside is that crappy big orange blob stuck in the middle, overwhelming the crest and the maker's name, giving it an impression of being too busy, but I'm sure you can buy it without the sponsors name. All in all very nice. Maybe one day we will be able to go back to just a white top? Anyway, after a season of not wanting to wear the club's top, granted partly because of the regime at the beginning of the season, this may well be winging its way to X Towers in the post.

Anyway, a night shift awaits. Marvin, he was a friend of mine.

Comeback. No, please. Come Back!

The morning after the night before is always a difficult time, but after watching MOTD last night, the spring in my step as I leapt from my bed at 5:30 this morning can only be described as gazelle like. After watching the score automatically update on the BBC website, I had no idea that Bolton's best player would actually turn out to be the woodwork, who managed to turn in a better defensive shift than the rest of the back four. Don't believe me? Any defence that can let that lazy, useless ginga Kitson through for quite possibly the easiest goal of his career needs lining up against a wall. Luckily he reverted to type later in the game by ballooning over the bar whilst virtually standing on the goal line, although why he had been alllowed to be there in the first place is only beaten by nobody noticing that Abdi Faye, all 9' 2" of him, was alone in the box in injury time. It's not like half of them wouldn't recognise him or anything. Luckily, Abdi didn't use his main weapon, his head, and that ball is still coming down.

Somehow, Matt Taylor has been awarded man of the match in most newspapers. Now, I like Football Manager like the next man where scoring two goals in a game puts you on the verge of the national squad, but the fact remains that until his (deflected) first goal he had been as mediocre as everyone else. Like I said on Friday, after his performance at Chelsea he deserved to be in the team but, like Clint said in Unforgiven, deserve's got nothing to do with it. Call me cynical, but an improvement in performance as the season ends, especially after the interest from Birmingham.......well, you be the judge. For me, if anyone was man of the match it was Dracula, "conning" the ref into the free kick (I'm sorry, he left his foot there. That's happened to us this season) and then producing a bit of magic to get the ball across for Matty's second. While this may be too little, too late for Dracula, whose performances have put the DER in underperforming, it did show the talent that most Citeh fans have been talking about. And it's not like I'm condoning cheating, but with the World Cup so near, I'll be expecting Shrek to do that in the last minute of the Final against Germany, if need be.

This is not to say that I am not grateful for the three points. I was thinking a point here and three points against Portsmouth would see us safe and mean we might play with some freedom in the remaining games. I now expect six points and some more freedom when we play the Spuds, which may (Oh God please) scupper their fourth place dreams. Whilst I advocated keeping the same side that played Chelsea, there is a reason why I'm not a football manager, and hindsight is the best job as a football fan, a luxury not available to St Owen et al. Said hindsight tells me that there was some tactical naievety in playing the same side, that he managed to eradicate with the introduction of Kidneys, and it says a lot that the misfiring Swede was kept on the bench with even five minutes to go. Mrs X was asking me last night who I expected to be given the tin tack during the close season and his name kept on rising to the top.

However, when you are out passed by Stoke for 45 mins, and I do not rise to this idea that they are more than the sum of their parts, something is not right. They've only been in the Premiership two seasons and it took us that amount of time to stop contuinually playing the long ball. Whilst I have the utmost respect for what Tony Puss has done there, bar defending Ryan Shawcross, in the words of our friends from N17, these are the teams we should be beating. That we were lucky to win counts for something I suppose, we've had little of that over the past three years, and if the footballing Gods were smiling yesterday they did us all a favour by reversing our luck from Tuesday. And don't think we didn't notice the irony of the dad of the year's handball yesterday, a damn sight less blatant than the one at the Bridge.

Of the game, while rightly praising Dracula and unsurprisingly praising Matty, St Owen also praised the fans who had made the trip and said "

You could see what it meant to the players when the celebrated with the fans who, once again, were absolutely magnificent

It has been said before but it is worth repeating that the relationship between the players and fans has been top notch since the turn of the year and, even though some (Wilshere and Weiss) are not exactly Bolton's players, everyone who follows the team away always gives 100% to them and that is something that wasn't necessarily the case beforehand.

In other news, the silly season starts here. The Mirror speculate that Mr Vinegar could be looking to take Fat Kev from the Toon to the Arse. You remember Fat Kev? Used to be on the verge of the England team before he took the Michael Ricketts diet. Now, I understand that he has had a good year by the Tyne but seriously, even we didn't want him back, which was one of the only times that the majority of fans and the former manager agreed.

There is also news, and this could be the beginning of the biggest on going yawn of the summer, that Liverpool are looking at a £15million bid for Gary "Gaz" Cahill, according to The People, and this will happen if the Fat Spanish Waiter gets the go-ahead to spend "BIG MONEY". This will obviously depend on whether said waiter is still plying his trade on the Mersey come the end of June or hasn't hot footed it back to the continent to be replaced by our former manager but one, due to Liverpool's inability to get into the Champions League. The article also suggests that Spurs may renew their interest in him too. Now while Gaz going to either of these two clubs would make me want to drink my own piss, there is an implicit understanding that he will go eventually. Hopefully, once both these clubs fall short of fourth place, none of the big three will come in for him and he will stay for another year before Gallas and Campbell retire and St Owen and Mr Vinegar come to an understanding. Besides the idea of Liverpool spending big this year has to be a joke. Surely Portsmouth have more money?

Now that is a lot of writing and I still haven't got to my thoughts about what has happened while I've been away. Unfortunately that will have to wait for another day as alcohol and a nice roast await.

Until tomorrow, a man's got to know his limitations.

News: Volcano dust not only thing air traffic control has to worry about.

It's Stoke v Bolton tomorrow and, if people are to believed, the ball will spend more time in the air than Corey Haim when he was taking it easy. Somehow we have managed to score more goals from throw ins than Stoke this year, but that is more to do with Stoke using Rory Delap sparingly and the former manager's tactics than anything else. (Speaking, quickly, of the nameless one, I noticed that Sky gave him some publicity oxygen on Wednesday, but luckily jet lag kicked in just after I heard him speak, which, unfortunately, guaranteed a couple of nightmares in my twelve hour kip).

Of course, we have a new manager now and after another tough set of fixtures, which I have managed to mostly avoid due to being on Planes, Trains and an Automobile, we enter a set of fixtures that are winnable (barring the Spuds). There is a possibility that 32 points will be enough. It is hard to see where the teams below us are going to pick up points except when they play each other and Portsmouth will be resting players before the cup final, giving us a chance to pick up the three points which will be enough.

As for the Stoke game, it is possible to see a point coming. The players will still be on a high from Tuesday and will certainly still be smarting from the two penalty decisions. Stoke are known for playing a one dimensional way, pretty much the way that we have played in parts of the season, and it may be possible to play football around them. It would be interesting to see if St Owen keeps the same team, and they would certainly deserve it. Even Matty Taylor, who the manager singled out for praise after his performance. I saw thirty minutes of the Tuesday game, eschewing the shower in the hotel at Heathrow, and his pearler of a cross would have resulted in a goal if it hadn't landed on the 50p head of the misfiring Swede.

Of the Stoke game, St Owen says

we know that it will be a tough contest and we have to be ready for it. But we have to play our own game and look to show our qualities.

That nice mummy's boy Ryan Shawcross is out injured, which should spare a couple of broken ankles, and the good news is that Stoke are one of those teams that, man for man, we are better than, Abdi Faye notwithstanding. However, in the slow limp to the line we at The Towers will go for a 1-1 draw. That would assume we score of course.

There is more to be said, of course, and a lot has happened over the past four weeks, including the unveil of ANOTHER new kit. But some of us have to work the weekend, so that will be it for today. The end of the season is just around the bend, my huckleberry friend.

A Quiet Return....

A full return tomorrow. However, just a couple of things noticed whilst being in the States.

1. The NCAA Final was a damn sight more exciting than a basketball game should ever be and I say this as someone who had reached saturation point on it.

2. Tommy Smyth is a tit. (Not Tommy Smith the ex Liverpool player who would shit me for breakfast).

3. The Mad Dog in the Fog in San Francisco is a great place to watch the game at 7am. See if Mad Jack from Clapham is in. Tell him I said hi and I will return his matches when I next see him.

So now I'm back, can we start picking up some points please?

Until tomorrow, JUSTICE FOR THE 96.