Comeback. No, please. Come Back!

The morning after the night before is always a difficult time, but after watching MOTD last night, the spring in my step as I leapt from my bed at 5:30 this morning can only be described as gazelle like. After watching the score automatically update on the BBC website, I had no idea that Bolton's best player would actually turn out to be the woodwork, who managed to turn in a better defensive shift than the rest of the back four. Don't believe me? Any defence that can let that lazy, useless ginga Kitson through for quite possibly the easiest goal of his career needs lining up against a wall. Luckily he reverted to type later in the game by ballooning over the bar whilst virtually standing on the goal line, although why he had been alllowed to be there in the first place is only beaten by nobody noticing that Abdi Faye, all 9' 2" of him, was alone in the box in injury time. It's not like half of them wouldn't recognise him or anything. Luckily, Abdi didn't use his main weapon, his head, and that ball is still coming down.

Somehow, Matt Taylor has been awarded man of the match in most newspapers. Now, I like Football Manager like the next man where scoring two goals in a game puts you on the verge of the national squad, but the fact remains that until his (deflected) first goal he had been as mediocre as everyone else. Like I said on Friday, after his performance at Chelsea he deserved to be in the team but, like Clint said in Unforgiven, deserve's got nothing to do with it. Call me cynical, but an improvement in performance as the season ends, especially after the interest from Birmingham.......well, you be the judge. For me, if anyone was man of the match it was Dracula, "conning" the ref into the free kick (I'm sorry, he left his foot there. That's happened to us this season) and then producing a bit of magic to get the ball across for Matty's second. While this may be too little, too late for Dracula, whose performances have put the DER in underperforming, it did show the talent that most Citeh fans have been talking about. And it's not like I'm condoning cheating, but with the World Cup so near, I'll be expecting Shrek to do that in the last minute of the Final against Germany, if need be.

This is not to say that I am not grateful for the three points. I was thinking a point here and three points against Portsmouth would see us safe and mean we might play with some freedom in the remaining games. I now expect six points and some more freedom when we play the Spuds, which may (Oh God please) scupper their fourth place dreams. Whilst I advocated keeping the same side that played Chelsea, there is a reason why I'm not a football manager, and hindsight is the best job as a football fan, a luxury not available to St Owen et al. Said hindsight tells me that there was some tactical naievety in playing the same side, that he managed to eradicate with the introduction of Kidneys, and it says a lot that the misfiring Swede was kept on the bench with even five minutes to go. Mrs X was asking me last night who I expected to be given the tin tack during the close season and his name kept on rising to the top.

However, when you are out passed by Stoke for 45 mins, and I do not rise to this idea that they are more than the sum of their parts, something is not right. They've only been in the Premiership two seasons and it took us that amount of time to stop contuinually playing the long ball. Whilst I have the utmost respect for what Tony Puss has done there, bar defending Ryan Shawcross, in the words of our friends from N17, these are the teams we should be beating. That we were lucky to win counts for something I suppose, we've had little of that over the past three years, and if the footballing Gods were smiling yesterday they did us all a favour by reversing our luck from Tuesday. And don't think we didn't notice the irony of the dad of the year's handball yesterday, a damn sight less blatant than the one at the Bridge.

Of the game, while rightly praising Dracula and unsurprisingly praising Matty, St Owen also praised the fans who had made the trip and said "

You could see what it meant to the players when the celebrated with the fans who, once again, were absolutely magnificent

It has been said before but it is worth repeating that the relationship between the players and fans has been top notch since the turn of the year and, even though some (Wilshere and Weiss) are not exactly Bolton's players, everyone who follows the team away always gives 100% to them and that is something that wasn't necessarily the case beforehand.

In other news, the silly season starts here. The Mirror speculate that Mr Vinegar could be looking to take Fat Kev from the Toon to the Arse. You remember Fat Kev? Used to be on the verge of the England team before he took the Michael Ricketts diet. Now, I understand that he has had a good year by the Tyne but seriously, even we didn't want him back, which was one of the only times that the majority of fans and the former manager agreed.

There is also news, and this could be the beginning of the biggest on going yawn of the summer, that Liverpool are looking at a £15million bid for Gary "Gaz" Cahill, according to The People, and this will happen if the Fat Spanish Waiter gets the go-ahead to spend "BIG MONEY". This will obviously depend on whether said waiter is still plying his trade on the Mersey come the end of June or hasn't hot footed it back to the continent to be replaced by our former manager but one, due to Liverpool's inability to get into the Champions League. The article also suggests that Spurs may renew their interest in him too. Now while Gaz going to either of these two clubs would make me want to drink my own piss, there is an implicit understanding that he will go eventually. Hopefully, once both these clubs fall short of fourth place, none of the big three will come in for him and he will stay for another year before Gallas and Campbell retire and St Owen and Mr Vinegar come to an understanding. Besides the idea of Liverpool spending big this year has to be a joke. Surely Portsmouth have more money?

Now that is a lot of writing and I still haven't got to my thoughts about what has happened while I've been away. Unfortunately that will have to wait for another day as alcohol and a nice roast await.

Until tomorrow, a man's got to know his limitations.

News: Volcano dust not only thing air traffic control has to worry about.

It's Stoke v Bolton tomorrow and, if people are to believed, the ball will spend more time in the air than Corey Haim when he was taking it easy. Somehow we have managed to score more goals from throw ins than Stoke this year, but that is more to do with Stoke using Rory Delap sparingly and the former manager's tactics than anything else. (Speaking, quickly, of the nameless one, I noticed that Sky gave him some publicity oxygen on Wednesday, but luckily jet lag kicked in just after I heard him speak, which, unfortunately, guaranteed a couple of nightmares in my twelve hour kip).

Of course, we have a new manager now and after another tough set of fixtures, which I have managed to mostly avoid due to being on Planes, Trains and an Automobile, we enter a set of fixtures that are winnable (barring the Spuds). There is a possibility that 32 points will be enough. It is hard to see where the teams below us are going to pick up points except when they play each other and Portsmouth will be resting players before the cup final, giving us a chance to pick up the three points which will be enough.

As for the Stoke game, it is possible to see a point coming. The players will still be on a high from Tuesday and will certainly still be smarting from the two penalty decisions. Stoke are known for playing a one dimensional way, pretty much the way that we have played in parts of the season, and it may be possible to play football around them. It would be interesting to see if St Owen keeps the same team, and they would certainly deserve it. Even Matty Taylor, who the manager singled out for praise after his performance. I saw thirty minutes of the Tuesday game, eschewing the shower in the hotel at Heathrow, and his pearler of a cross would have resulted in a goal if it hadn't landed on the 50p head of the misfiring Swede.

Of the Stoke game, St Owen says

we know that it will be a tough contest and we have to be ready for it. But we have to play our own game and look to show our qualities.

That nice mummy's boy Ryan Shawcross is out injured, which should spare a couple of broken ankles, and the good news is that Stoke are one of those teams that, man for man, we are better than, Abdi Faye notwithstanding. However, in the slow limp to the line we at The Towers will go for a 1-1 draw. That would assume we score of course.

There is more to be said, of course, and a lot has happened over the past four weeks, including the unveil of ANOTHER new kit. But some of us have to work the weekend, so that will be it for today. The end of the season is just around the bend, my huckleberry friend.

A Quiet Return....

A full return tomorrow. However, just a couple of things noticed whilst being in the States.

1. The NCAA Final was a damn sight more exciting than a basketball game should ever be and I say this as someone who had reached saturation point on it.

2. Tommy Smyth is a tit. (Not Tommy Smith the ex Liverpool player who would shit me for breakfast).

3. The Mad Dog in the Fog in San Francisco is a great place to watch the game at 7am. See if Mad Jack from Clapham is in. Tell him I said hi and I will return his matches when I next see him.

So now I'm back, can we start picking up some points please?

Until tomorrow, JUSTICE FOR THE 96.

Somewhere From The North Will Return on April 14

Sorry, having too much fun getting spliced and shit....

A Bridge Too Far..

Greetings from San Francisco. If I had hair, I'd have flowers in it, but I haven't, so it's a moot point. I'm not really sure how this is going to work over the next four weeks but I'm thinking that if I see something that has the ability to make me smile if I take the piss out of it, then that is what's going to happen, and let's face it, in the wacky world of BWFC, it's not going to be hard. Oh, and we beat the woolybacks on Saturday. But you knew that already, didn't you?

And it begins. The club has announced that they, the club, are allowing us, the fans, to vote on who should be presented with the newcomer of the year award at the end of the season. Now, in true Oscar's fashion, you would think that they would whittle it down to five for our delectation. But no, they've included everyone that has appeared in a match squad, even if it was the League Cup and they had no chance of getting on.

So your runners and riders are:

Stefan Dennis. I don't think I need to say anything about this, do I?
Sir Knight of Villashire. A genuine contender. If you disregard the first half of the season.
Not Mike. Ditto.
Sean Davis. What? He played three games and got sent off in one of them before undergoing surgery that ruled him out for the rest of the season? I'd expect him to be in the same category next year.
Chung-yong Lee: THE genuine contender
Kidneys: Yes he has scored goals and yes he has been mostly excellent, and he has new kidneys in case you had forgotten. But, err, isn't he on loan? Shouldn't this preclude him as the is a poss/probability he won't be around next year.
Our Yank: Maybe, if you suddenly get amnesia and forget he has missed twice as many games as he has started due to being more crocked than Ryan Giggs during international friendly time.
Jack Wilshere: A talent but see Kidneys.
Dracula: Doesn't even seem to be a favourite of the man who brought him in, plus see the dummy spitting incident, plus see Kidneys.
Mark Connolly: Oh spare me. Has has he played? At all. And I mean for St Johnstone as well, where he has spent half the season. No? Then WTF?

This has a whiff of "they're all winners in our eyes", which is basically crap as Stefan is on the list. There should have been a shortlist of Zat,Sam,Lee,Stuart and (oh go on then as it's too short a list) Stefan.

We have a good manager. Maybe he can take a shot at pruning the idiots who bring this sort of list to the public notice.

Until next time, d'ya feel lucky? Well, d'ya?

Somewhere From The North: An Announcement

As our regular readers will be aware, Mr and Mrs X are soon to make the Mr and Mrs part legal, or as legal as you can get in the great state of Nevada. This will mean that postings will get a bit sporadic over the next month or so as we travel west to east across the great plains, into Dark Territory and onwards to Newark. Mrs X has already advised me that the wedding will now be taking precedence over any interneting so don't be too surprised if the next posting comes from a Starbucks in San Francisco. (A wedding list is available at John Lewis. Just ask for X)

But before then, the woolybacks come to T'Reebok on Saturday and another must win game comes along since the last must win game, in which, you will recall, I suffered some sort of nightmare while falling asleep watching. This is the last game of the six which were pinpointed as games that T'Wanderers had to get some points out of and as that points total currently stands at seven from a possible fifteen, sticking it to Wigan and making it ten from eighteen, which will get most of the dogging naysayers looking over their shoulder, is a must.

After the debacle on Tuesday, it would take a fool to second guess the manager as to the team selection, barring Jussi, Gretar, Knight Zat of Villashire and Super Kev. All the rest must be fretting as to who will play. We have continually said that Stefan Dennis is an accident that has already happened and Jlloyd must have tried it on with St Owens gran for him not to have had a look in. Or, and here's an original thought, wasn't Ricky Gardner a left back for about five years before Jlloyd came in? The other centre seems to be between AOB and The Shitt, an unedifying choice, I'm sure you'll agree.

As for the midfield, the ones who just watched Sunderland walk through them on Tuesday, we would expect Lee to stay and Little Jack to keep his place if he gets over his knock and then it's perm two from Ricky, Dracula, Samantha, Matty, Tamir or even Super Kev coming back. Personally I'd like to see the Misfiring Swede placed on the wing. All we ever hear is that he works his socks off and surely he would be able to do that on the right. That would leave plenty of scope for SuperKev and Kidneys up front. As for the bench, I hear their trying to draft in some of the ladies team, such is the paucity of back up.

About the game, St Owen says

We recognise that we are playing a very good side in Wigan who had a tremendous boost the other night with their victory over Liverpool

but he has ultimately failed to mention that Liverpool failed to roll over Lille last night, which shows he far Fat Rafa and his not so merry men have fallen this season. I mean, Wigan then Lille eh? Phumph. When it comes to Wigan this season, if they hadn't played one less game than us, they would have an almost identical record and they have been as atrocious away from home as we have and as good at home which is probably something to do with their turnip of a pitch as, bar Rodellega, Kirkland and Bramble, I'm having difficulty from naming their players. For this we are going for a 2-0, as that bitch is going to come round eventually and I'm going to be quids in, which will pay for a few games at the MGM Grand.

Our usual two experts, Lawro goes for a Bolton win, for once, while Hansen goes for a draw.

Speaking of pundits who regularly speak out of their anus, I heard an interesting podcast this week when a journalist from France Football stated how exasperated he was that the only TV pundits that there are in the English game are ex footballers. Whilst there are ex football playing pundits in France, he said, they are complimented by experienced journalists who can give an opposing view to their slightly one sided viewpoint. And as for co-commentators, whenever the opportunity arises, Mr Whinger crosses the channel and gives some erudite comments. Can you imagine Fergie doing that. And can you imagine a Soccer Saturday with Merson, Thompson and the blokes from the Tory and the Indy? And that is our thought for the day, and possibly our last thought in England for five weeks. On football that is. My last thought in England will probably be that something this large isn't supposed to fly.

Until then, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I have the only gun on board. Welcome to Con Air.

Count Them.

You've got to admire Bolton. Sticking it to a team with an impressive home record one day, losing to a team with a worse record than Chester City the next. And what a loss. It's like the Edinburgh Comedy Festival upped sticks, moved a hundred miles south and decided to open five months early.

Some fool mentioned yesterday that the way Zat Knight was playing at the moment there would be only one outcome when it came to him coming up against Darren Bent. And it's good to see that we were proved right. And it's not like he had to try for two of them, Not Mike deciding that one yellow card wasn't enough and then Fred Karno came to town for the fourth. Add to that Frazier Campbell scoring his first for Sunderland and you pretty much sum up an abysmal night all round. Having missed the first half hour due to Mrs X deciding that our alcohol intake was down and it needed stocking up before we leave the country on Tuesday, the only time that I made any kind of noise was half way through the second half when either Bolton had a half chance (spurned) or a naked Ashley Cole rose out of a manhole on the Mile End Road and told me that he wanted to make me his bitch. Either way, I think I dreamed both. It seemed for most of the game that the Bolton players were under the impression that if they ran the ball into the Sunderland area there would be a sudden outbreak of Ganges fever such was the lack of imagination. And if you are going to throw the ball into the area, don't let it fall on the head of a 6'4" Albanian.

From somewhere, St Owen saw the following:

Some things went against us throughout the course of the game and while certainly not begrudging Sunderland the win, the scoreline flattered them tonight

Well, being picked off at random by a group of players whose confidence is at a low ebb and who couldn't pick up a point if they were in a point store that had just had an influx of a new line of points will do that. St Owen does have a nice line in self delusion, but sometimes he just has to shut up and say we were crap.

Anyway, as Mrs X just said, we only have to beat Wigan on Saturday. Should be a breeze.And she should know, being a Liverpool fan.

Until tomorrow, whoever wins, we lose.