Somewhere From The North Will Return on April 14

Sorry, having too much fun getting spliced and shit....

A Bridge Too Far..

Greetings from San Francisco. If I had hair, I'd have flowers in it, but I haven't, so it's a moot point. I'm not really sure how this is going to work over the next four weeks but I'm thinking that if I see something that has the ability to make me smile if I take the piss out of it, then that is what's going to happen, and let's face it, in the wacky world of BWFC, it's not going to be hard. Oh, and we beat the woolybacks on Saturday. But you knew that already, didn't you?

And it begins. The club has announced that they, the club, are allowing us, the fans, to vote on who should be presented with the newcomer of the year award at the end of the season. Now, in true Oscar's fashion, you would think that they would whittle it down to five for our delectation. But no, they've included everyone that has appeared in a match squad, even if it was the League Cup and they had no chance of getting on.

So your runners and riders are:

Stefan Dennis. I don't think I need to say anything about this, do I?
Sir Knight of Villashire. A genuine contender. If you disregard the first half of the season.
Not Mike. Ditto.
Sean Davis. What? He played three games and got sent off in one of them before undergoing surgery that ruled him out for the rest of the season? I'd expect him to be in the same category next year.
Chung-yong Lee: THE genuine contender
Kidneys: Yes he has scored goals and yes he has been mostly excellent, and he has new kidneys in case you had forgotten. But, err, isn't he on loan? Shouldn't this preclude him as the is a poss/probability he won't be around next year.
Our Yank: Maybe, if you suddenly get amnesia and forget he has missed twice as many games as he has started due to being more crocked than Ryan Giggs during international friendly time.
Jack Wilshere: A talent but see Kidneys.
Dracula: Doesn't even seem to be a favourite of the man who brought him in, plus see the dummy spitting incident, plus see Kidneys.
Mark Connolly: Oh spare me. Has has he played? At all. And I mean for St Johnstone as well, where he has spent half the season. No? Then WTF?

This has a whiff of "they're all winners in our eyes", which is basically crap as Stefan is on the list. There should have been a shortlist of Zat,Sam,Lee,Stuart and (oh go on then as it's too short a list) Stefan.

We have a good manager. Maybe he can take a shot at pruning the idiots who bring this sort of list to the public notice.

Until next time, d'ya feel lucky? Well, d'ya?

Somewhere From The North: An Announcement

As our regular readers will be aware, Mr and Mrs X are soon to make the Mr and Mrs part legal, or as legal as you can get in the great state of Nevada. This will mean that postings will get a bit sporadic over the next month or so as we travel west to east across the great plains, into Dark Territory and onwards to Newark. Mrs X has already advised me that the wedding will now be taking precedence over any interneting so don't be too surprised if the next posting comes from a Starbucks in San Francisco. (A wedding list is available at John Lewis. Just ask for X)

But before then, the woolybacks come to T'Reebok on Saturday and another must win game comes along since the last must win game, in which, you will recall, I suffered some sort of nightmare while falling asleep watching. This is the last game of the six which were pinpointed as games that T'Wanderers had to get some points out of and as that points total currently stands at seven from a possible fifteen, sticking it to Wigan and making it ten from eighteen, which will get most of the dogging naysayers looking over their shoulder, is a must.

After the debacle on Tuesday, it would take a fool to second guess the manager as to the team selection, barring Jussi, Gretar, Knight Zat of Villashire and Super Kev. All the rest must be fretting as to who will play. We have continually said that Stefan Dennis is an accident that has already happened and Jlloyd must have tried it on with St Owens gran for him not to have had a look in. Or, and here's an original thought, wasn't Ricky Gardner a left back for about five years before Jlloyd came in? The other centre seems to be between AOB and The Shitt, an unedifying choice, I'm sure you'll agree.

As for the midfield, the ones who just watched Sunderland walk through them on Tuesday, we would expect Lee to stay and Little Jack to keep his place if he gets over his knock and then it's perm two from Ricky, Dracula, Samantha, Matty, Tamir or even Super Kev coming back. Personally I'd like to see the Misfiring Swede placed on the wing. All we ever hear is that he works his socks off and surely he would be able to do that on the right. That would leave plenty of scope for SuperKev and Kidneys up front. As for the bench, I hear their trying to draft in some of the ladies team, such is the paucity of back up.

About the game, St Owen says

We recognise that we are playing a very good side in Wigan who had a tremendous boost the other night with their victory over Liverpool

but he has ultimately failed to mention that Liverpool failed to roll over Lille last night, which shows he far Fat Rafa and his not so merry men have fallen this season. I mean, Wigan then Lille eh? Phumph. When it comes to Wigan this season, if they hadn't played one less game than us, they would have an almost identical record and they have been as atrocious away from home as we have and as good at home which is probably something to do with their turnip of a pitch as, bar Rodellega, Kirkland and Bramble, I'm having difficulty from naming their players. For this we are going for a 2-0, as that bitch is going to come round eventually and I'm going to be quids in, which will pay for a few games at the MGM Grand.

Our usual two experts, Lawro goes for a Bolton win, for once, while Hansen goes for a draw.

Speaking of pundits who regularly speak out of their anus, I heard an interesting podcast this week when a journalist from France Football stated how exasperated he was that the only TV pundits that there are in the English game are ex footballers. Whilst there are ex football playing pundits in France, he said, they are complimented by experienced journalists who can give an opposing view to their slightly one sided viewpoint. And as for co-commentators, whenever the opportunity arises, Mr Whinger crosses the channel and gives some erudite comments. Can you imagine Fergie doing that. And can you imagine a Soccer Saturday with Merson, Thompson and the blokes from the Tory and the Indy? And that is our thought for the day, and possibly our last thought in England for five weeks. On football that is. My last thought in England will probably be that something this large isn't supposed to fly.

Until then, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I have the only gun on board. Welcome to Con Air.

Count Them.

You've got to admire Bolton. Sticking it to a team with an impressive home record one day, losing to a team with a worse record than Chester City the next. And what a loss. It's like the Edinburgh Comedy Festival upped sticks, moved a hundred miles south and decided to open five months early.

Some fool mentioned yesterday that the way Zat Knight was playing at the moment there would be only one outcome when it came to him coming up against Darren Bent. And it's good to see that we were proved right. And it's not like he had to try for two of them, Not Mike deciding that one yellow card wasn't enough and then Fred Karno came to town for the fourth. Add to that Frazier Campbell scoring his first for Sunderland and you pretty much sum up an abysmal night all round. Having missed the first half hour due to Mrs X deciding that our alcohol intake was down and it needed stocking up before we leave the country on Tuesday, the only time that I made any kind of noise was half way through the second half when either Bolton had a half chance (spurned) or a naked Ashley Cole rose out of a manhole on the Mile End Road and told me that he wanted to make me his bitch. Either way, I think I dreamed both. It seemed for most of the game that the Bolton players were under the impression that if they ran the ball into the Sunderland area there would be a sudden outbreak of Ganges fever such was the lack of imagination. And if you are going to throw the ball into the area, don't let it fall on the head of a 6'4" Albanian.

From somewhere, St Owen saw the following:

Some things went against us throughout the course of the game and while certainly not begrudging Sunderland the win, the scoreline flattered them tonight

Well, being picked off at random by a group of players whose confidence is at a low ebb and who couldn't pick up a point if they were in a point store that had just had an influx of a new line of points will do that. St Owen does have a nice line in self delusion, but sometimes he just has to shut up and say we were crap.

Anyway, as Mrs X just said, we only have to beat Wigan on Saturday. Should be a breeze.And she should know, being a Liverpool fan.

Until tomorrow, whoever wins, we lose.

I Hate Buses.....

...obviously because you wait ages for one etc. etc.

Who would have thought that getting any kind of broadband in a Sheffield hotel would be so hard? Anyway, back in the south, we have broadband coming out of our ears. Three years after I left South Yorkshire, some things haven't changed. (The picture in this article is of an actual bus in Sheffield, of which they have a lot). South Yorkshire is going on my list. All of it.

A win is a win and this was done with the kind of style that makes journos say things that really gets on Wanderers fans nerves like "Wow, Bolton play football" or "Bolton don't always play it in the air" or "I get paid a lot of money to write this guff and for once I had to go and see a Bolton game, but it was OK as it was in the south. Hang on, maybe I was wrong about Bolton". As The Observer said on Sunday "Purists may still mutter about their style of play, but Bolton could hardly be accused of a lack of quality", followed on Monday by it's sister paper quoting Kieron Dyer "We expected them to sit off and let us have possession of the ball and hit us on the break but they came straight for us" Now, I'm not one to say that Kieron Dyer has had a lot of time on his hands, although apparently he has so far cost West Ham something like £1million per game, but surely he has had enough time to see us tear into Arsenal twice, Citeh once or Spurs once (let's forget the second game), all these on TV. In fact, I know times are hard in Newham, what with having to sell to a porn merchant as well as seeing a great White Elephant rise in the west of the borough, but I'm sure the players can afford their TV licence.

But in football, we move on, and so tonight we go to Wearside. Sunderland's local paper, The Echo, goes for a home win but gives no reason as to why. Apparently it's got something to do with Wigan beating Liverpool last night and at the same time last year Wigan beating Sunderland when Steve Bruce was in charge. This, you would expect, is why the national daily's aren't beating a path to the writers door. And I thought the former BEN was bad (although Kelly's One Eye this week lazily talks about what people have been talking about for months, namely "Should Kevin Davies go to the World Cup?")

Sunderland shouldn't be in this position although half the teams that are down there shouldn't, and I include ourselves in that. They have a good strike force, probably better than ours, a solid midfield, about as good as ours, and a cracking goalkeeper, although worse than ours. The Sunderland malaise can be put down to one thing, the thing that has affected our misfiring Swede all season. The price they cost. A lot of money went into Sunderland during both Keane and Bruce's time, to little or no effect, and a lot of players rest on their laurels when they have been bought by a big(ish) club, which Sunderland are, and by the time they realise they are in danger, it is too late. (See what happened to West Ham not long ago).

There is also the possibility that they think Bolton are going to be easy, although this will have dissipated after the last two results. We at the Towers will be going for an away win.

Speaking about the game and comparing it to Saturday, St Owen says

Hopefully the lads have taken a lot of confidence from Saturday and they have to go out and replicate that performance again. If they do, we will have a real chance of earning points from the match

And quite right to. There is no point in getting what were a fantastic three points in London and then finding ourselves receiving the similar from Sunderland. Bolton are the team in form and suddenly we have our shooting boots on again (except for the misfiring Swede, natch). Sunderland only seem to be able to get a shot on target if it falls to Darren Bent. Nullify him and that should be enough and they way Knight Zat of Villashire is playing at the moment there can be only one outcome. There appears to be an impression that Bolton are a one player team, namely the captain, but since the turn of the year it has been proved that we are more than that. Win tonight and against the Woolybacks on Saturday and that, it must be said, is virtually job done.

As for the team, with Cohen suspended, we expect Matty to return. Dracula has been silent since his dummy spitting but one more game sitting it out should make him realise that players don't pick the team, which will stand him in good stead when he goes back to the council house.

Until tomorrow my friends, you can take that to the bank.

Back to where it all started to go wrong.

To the Boleyn Ground tomorrow (don’t whatever you do call it Upton Park for reasons to be explained) for the next in our round of six pointers against T’Hammers. After the victory last weekend against Wolves you can pretty much expect the same team, except with Matty or Dracula coming in for our crocked Yank. After his goal against Wales on Wednesday we feel that the misfiring Swede will keep his place but if we go goalless again there will be a clamour for a change in forward line. As for what kind of change, we will keep our powder dry until it it necessary. Like Sunday.

Anyway, as internet connection is sparse in Yorkshire, instead of being able to get you some news I would like to give to you a couple of stories about some recent trips to West Ham. The first is entitled as above.

So it’s April 2007 and Little Sam has just taken over from Big Sam. We are safe in fifth, looking good for a UEFA Cup place. Hindsight has yet to kick in. A good assistant taking over from a good manager who has just been given the great big “More money? Fuck You” from the board. West Ham, a team in the mire, destined to relegation. Surely an away certainty.
The first thing you note is that the tracksuit is gone, replaced by one you can pick up from the Ken and Barbie range at Toys ‘R’ Us. It seems a little, well, ill fitting. Not on the man himself, but it just looks wrong. Secondly there is the continual standing on the sidelines, waving his arms around at no one in particular, a foreshadowing of even unhappier days. And thirdly there is the earpiece, making him look like a 21st century Action Man with eagle eyes. And a scouse accent. Along comes Carlos Tevez, bang, bang, 3-1. Lots of positives. Of course, we all know where that went.

About a year later and I’m sat amongst about 5,000 less Bolton fans but sat next to the kind of Bolton teenagers that make you want to slap them. Know it all, seen it all, will smack all. These kids have none of this. Straight from the kick off they are winding up a West Ham fan who isn’t sat near the away fans to find out their opinion of Moliere. I think the tattoo that says “I love mum” around his neck gives this away. “Have it” they are saying. “You’re dead” he is intimating, with the sort of action across his neck that would suggest Dodge and getting out of it is high on the cards. As half time approaches, a kindly steward taps me on the shoulder and says it might be better if I moved seats. Five minutes into the second half he asks the four kids to leave. The West Ham fan and six of his cohorts leave their seats at the same time and never come back. Forty minutes later as I leave the ground I see four Bolton fans lying on the ground, being attended to by paramedics. The West Ham fan is crying into the arms of his mother who then drives him off. But it’s Ok, he didn’t mean it.

Oh and Upton Park, it’s the name of the tube station. Call it that in Newham, expect a stabbing.

Until Sunday, yippe kay ey.

Cruel Irony, How You Mock Me.

Afternoon all, and after yesterday's little rant, a return to normality.

Well, I say normality, but if you are a Bolton fan it will not have escaped your attention that our misfiring Swede became slightly less than misfiring when playing for his national side last night. One minute before half time, corner comes across, he takes his time to exquisitely control it before firing a lovely half volley over everyone and into the net. Did you wince? Did you throw your hands up in the air like I did at work last night, in such a scene of non plusment, that someone asked me if I was supporting Wales? Did you put your head in your hands and cry "why,why,why" so plaintively that you got sent home early? No? Just me then.

Maybe, and we are saying this with a great large pinch of salt, this could be the goal that gets him going. Ok, it was only Wales, a country so much of whipping boys they get hired out down in Soho of a Saturday night, but if he can take this into the game at the weekend then who knows. Interesting times ahead.

However, as the lord giveth so doth he taketh and The Yank (a nickname I'm sticking with thank you very much) has been ruled out after "Dirty" Nigel De Jong decided to see what would happen if he proved my theory from yesterday correct and fractured his shin during the Holland-USA game. The prognosis is that he will be out for up to six weeks, which is a blow and will mean that the dummy spitting Dracula might get his wish for more playing time. Whilst there must be some sympathy for Weiss, who Citeh fans believe is a major talent, in his showings for Bolton he has done little to prove this. OK, limited game time may make your head do down, but not to the extent that you don't bring it back up and look for teammates when you actually get on. But one man's misfortune etc. and now that he may get his chance he better take it. The last time someone spat their dummy or anything else at Bolton it was Dioufy, and we don't want to go over that ground again.

Moving on briefly to today's papers and it is good to see that the disease of speaking the bleeding obvious has spread to our Croatian international who has told the former BEN today

We must realise that we need to put the ball in the net

Thanks. We knew there was something missing put putting our collective finger on it was just beating us. Now we know what it is, I expect a push for Europe.

But wait, I hear you cry, surely we can't have gone a couple of days without a Gary "Gaz" Cahill injury update. Fear not, as the current messiah tells thecrapwebsite.co.uk

I would expect that a week on Monday he will be able to join in with the rest of the group and then we will look to build up his fitness and sharpness from there

So not long to go until the second (third?) coming.

Tomorrow, our thoughts on the West Ham game which I will not be attending due to travelling north as T'Trotters travel south. Oh Cruel Irony etc. etc.

SFW If They Don't Like It Up 'Em?

Afternoon all. Not much in the wonderful world of T'Wanderers today as most of the players, barring our English contingent natch, are away on international duty. However, to spare us writing long, dull, interminable passages about swallows and amazons, along comes the manager to stick it to The Arse. Unforunately, he has stuck it to them wrong. Very, very wrong.

If they say that it only takes a second to score a goal, then Bolton had the Indian sign over Arsenal for a very, very long time. Although those days have passed, and we miss them dearly, the artisans of Highbury were beaten using a mix of some skill (players like Okocha, Diouf, Youri and Anelka do not come at you with a big stick) and tactics straight out of the Big Sam playbook; hit it long, play it close, don't give them time to settle and, most importantly, they don't like it up 'em. Be a little bit forceful, give them a little kick (copyright Fat Kev), don't be afraid to get stuck in. It will help even more if they have a pantomime villain, let's make it their German keeper so the fans have someone to rile.

For four or five years, this worked. Arsenal, for the most part, just could not buy a win and Bolton, playing within the rules, riled Arsenal so much that they, on occassions, tried to play the same tactic, culminating with Big Sam's last game at Highbury when Flamini tried to take Ricky Gardner off at the knee. All things shall pass.

However, other teams saw this as a way to play Arsenal and so, as Bolton bought players who couldn't tackle, other teams took the mantle up and started to become overly physical when Arsenal came to town. Press them hard, give them a little kick, do a bit of blood and thunder. I am not saying that players go onto the pitch and say that "today is the day I get me some Arsenal pussy", but being overly physical at home has been proved to be the way to get a result against Arsenal and the injuries to Diaby, Eduardo and now Ramsey are simply a by product of that. So when St Owen comes out and says that there

"is no way in the world that anyone would go out to intentionally hurt or maim any player"

he is dead right, as we have left the days of Chopper and Bite Yer Legs long behind. But he has missed the point of what Mr Whinger is actually saying.

Remember a few weeks ago when I said that there had been an assassination attempt on Mark Davies by William Gallas? This was a badly timed challenge that should have been a sending off and Mark Davies was lucky to escape serious injury. No one had sympathy for Gallas, badly timed challenge or not. It is now OK to say in hindsight that Gallas didn't mean it as Mark was up and about two weeks later and back on the pitch. Would it have been the same if one of our better talents had been put out until Christmas? Somehow, I think not. This is exactly what has happened to Ramsey. So whether Gallas meant it or Shawcross meant it is a moot point. The fact is it happened and the injured party has to deal with the consequences. So please, spare me the 'he didn't mean it' speech. Those players meant to tackle hard, they knew what they were doing, it's just that one got away with it and one didn't. And our manager, for once, has spoken out of his arse.

For once.

Until tomorrow, chew on that asshole.

LANDMARK!!!!

100 posts yesterday. Granted it was a photo of some bloke, not me, sleeping at his laptop with little wordage but it was cause for Mrs X to bring out that special bottle she has been saving for a special occassion, which she then had to drink most of due to my dicky tummy.

Anyway, as I've been out of the loop, indeed out of most things, for the past few days, I shall pass on passing comment on the Wolves game, except to say that a win is a win, and probably just about deserved from what I have been reading. Unfortunately the only information I was getting at the time was Merson's stupid face appearing every so often on the screen in the bar in Covent Garden we were in, so I knew something was going on, if not what. It was good to see Zat get a goal, his performances since the new year have deserved it, and with another clean sheet, it is another smack in the face for those under the impression that Bolton are "leaking goals". And a big middle finger to Stanley.

Of the other news that has been missed admist the fog, the major information is, of course, the fact that Gary "Gaz" Cahill could be back a lot sooner than expected. It does seem strange, lauding the defence for their clean sheets whilst Cahill has been out, but wanting him back, but we have said before that one of the main reasons we are losing goals when we do is due to a Stefan Dennis shaped hole down the left hand side which could be more than filled by Gretar or Not Mike, or even some bloke called Jlloyd Samuel (or Gardner?). This is also excellent news for "Gaz", as a return by the end of March or early April could push him toward the England side, especially as the Dad of the Year's head appears to be in bits, They Call Him Rio having his back literally in bits and Upson about to go down with T'Hammers.

News also comes that Bolton are the fifth biggest money making football club in the north-west, but when you are above the likes of the Dingles, the other Dingles and the Woolybacks, this is not so much a good thing as the best of a bad bunch. And if we have so much money, why is the crapwebsite.co.uk still crap.com?

Hopefully there will be more to say tomorrow, but before you go I suggest you pass yourself over to Arseblog. The man has strange ideas about Bolton and our fans but what he says about the Shawcross tackle on Aaron Ramsey is the truest bit of writing I have read about it. Arsenal are no angels, just like us, which he admits, but his thoughts on the defence of Shawcross should be shoved back down the throats of all those who defended him over the weekend. Plus, he hates Stan Collymore.

Until tomorrow, that's not a knife.

Stag Do. Approached With Caution.

Nearly there everybody. Nearly there.