You want to do what....?

You know the score, just as your getting settled, thinking that you're going to have to say something else nasty about Burnley and their scabby fans, along pops Jack Wilshere and his fantasy of being Cheryl Cole. Not shagging Cheryl Cole, which, I've heard, is every young mans dream, but being Cheryl Cole. On the Arsenal website, various members of their squad were asked several questions, the kind of which I haven't seen since Keren Woodward told Smash Hits that her favourite pudding was banana and custard in 1985 and I spent many sleeping hours wondering what Keren Woodward would look like in banana and custard.(*) Life was much more innocent back in 1985. Anyway, Jack's answer to the question was

I would probably be Cheryl Cole. Just to see what attention she gets and that.

Plenty, I would say, but not from her husband, the quite possibly most stupid man in the world. And what do you mean this is just an excuse to get a picture of Cheryl Cole in?

Of course, this again puts Bolton's website to shame where the same kind of question would be "How do you get to the ground. M61 or A666?"

Somewhat surprisingly, SuperKev has won the BWSA Player of the Year award. I'm not begrudging him the award, far from it, as he remains the most committed player Bolton have got, it's just that that commitment hasn't brought the rewards this year. Chung-Yong and Samantha came second and third. It appears the award took SuperKev by surprise as he told the former BEN. Not as big a surprise as seeing Little Jack walking through Lostock dressed as Cheryl though.

Talking of people doing things you wouldn't expect, Paddy McGuinness will be at Stretford on Saturday to play on the same turf as such legends as Mick Hucknall and the Wigan Rugby League Team in a charity match. Asked if a trip to Gorse Hill is a big day out for a Bolton fan (normal answer being "I came to see the Trafford Park Ecology Park but it was shut so I came here") Bolton's fourth famous fan (after Dave Spikey, Vernon Kay and Nicholas Gleaves) replied "Yes, you have to appreciate the way they play". Never knew he was a cricket fan. Almost immediately ITV recommissioned Take Me Out. That'll teach him.

The former BEN also report that St Owen has distanced himself from the previous reports that he is moving half the first team, and Nicky Hunt, on. This in the same article that suggests that he is looking to bring some World Cup stars in before the World Cup starts, meaning he's got a DeLorean or a Tardis or something and has already seen who will star and also meaning that he is looking to move half of the first team, and Nicky Hunt, on. Some bloke called Messi may be looking for a new club after last night. Maybe not.

An interesting article in the Guardian suggests that next season will not be as easy for us as this season has been. (Sorry, this season has been easy?). It may be a bit early to be looking forward to next season but it is true that Newcastle and West Brom may not be as lightweight as what is leaving us, although the Baggies have never really taken to the Premiership and a season in which Fat Kev has made it into the Championship team of the season should tell you all you need to know about how good that division is. Newcastle are coming back up with pretty much the team that went down so I wouldn't be expecting them to pull up any trees. And unless the porn kings of East London pull out (phnarr phnarr) of West Ham, no team should be going to the wall. However, I dare say that the three relegated teams next season won't be waving bye bye quite so early. Hopefully we'll be returning their wave from somewhere near seventh.........

Finally, I'd like to bid farewell to Richard over at Vital Bolton. I've been reading his thoughts for a couple of years now and, while I may not agree on his view of the Arse and their fans, his considered opinions on the way the club was going has pretty much gone hand in hand with mine. I'd like to wish him good luck with the book or whatever it is that he is leaving to do. There aren't enough BWFC websites as it is without losing an erudite supporter.

And on that downbeat note, I'll bid you farewell for today. Tomorrow will bring a preview of the Spurs game, guaranteed to set my teeth on edge.

Until then, what is your major malfunction Private Pyle?

(*) Keren Woodward was a member of hot girl group Bananarama, not to be confused with Barbapapa, Babar or Bananaman. She is now married to the member of Wham! who is not gay.